


Love and its Fatalities

by Zaithiest



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: M/M, Niall just loves everyone, eventually, larry - Freeform, only mentioned / no explicit detail, smut will probably happen, touches on past abusive realationship, ziam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:48:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6361918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaithiest/pseuds/Zaithiest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Because I was told love was kind, love was gentle. It's what we live for. It's what makes this world worth living in. Turns out love is like war, it's relentless. It doesn't care if you are young or old. It doesn't take into consideration how long you've known it. Love is terrifying, it hurts and I was always so scared to let myself be hurt like that again. Don't you see? I'm just another prisoner in this war of hearts. I'm just another fatality caused by someone's lack of love."<br/>{Zayn knew he there wasn't much left of his heart. Liam wanted to prove him wrong}</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Phoenix

Fire. His skin was on fire. His bones ached like crackling logs, his stomach churned like scorched embers. The sheets wrapped around him like a vice, restraining his attempts to free himself, suffocating his limbs and pressing them to his sides. His spine twisted, his throat collapsed, his pupils dilated under his eyelids searching for light in the pitch black even though his body was ablaze.  


When his eyes opened and found what they sought for Zayn groaned. Eight hours felt like eight minutes though his dreams felt like eternities in themselves. He untangled the damp sheets from his body and collected the strewn pillows that were thrown to the floor amidst last night's strangled restlessness before letting himself indulge in the early morning hush.  


Cold showers were relentless. They woke you up with harsh, unforgiving torrential downpours and sharp scented soaps. The mint shampoo stung Zayn's eyes and bit at his scalp while a loofah doused in the scents of broken pines scrubbed his skin to a tingly pink. It was funny, Zayn thought, how he could scrub himself new again and still be left with the memories of phantom finger prints branded to his skin.  


His clothes didn't seem to fit like they use to anymore. His shirts were too thin and never protected him from the bitter chill and his shoes never hugged his feet enough to keep him from stumbling no matter how tight he tugged the laces. He felt constantly exposed and no leather jacket nor metal chain could hide him, the real him, the fragile him, enough.  


Zayn never use to like coffee. He loved to wake up in the morning to a cup of tea with a little bit of sugar and lots of milk but then it became a mug filled with black, bitter water that jolted him awake and buzzed in his blood keeping his eyes wide and giving him a false sense of living without the dangerous consequences of actually doing so.  


“Morning.” Niall mumbled groggily shuffling into the kitchen.  


Zayn responded with a grunt of acknowledgment as he sipped his coffee preoccupied with an article on his phone, or at least pretending to be.  


“So I was thinking-” Niall continued reaching for a box of cereal and milk.  


“That's never good.” Zayn commented but Niall ignored the snide remark and went on focusing more on his cereal than the conversation.  


“We're good here, me and you, and I wouldn't change it for the world. Nice place, good city-”  


Zayn sighed and set his phone down running his hands through his messy, dewy hair.  


“The point, Niall?”  


“It's just that rent's been a little tough and you've got your writing, which is great and I'd never ask for you to stop, but it's not as... steady as it use to be.”  


“Niall-”  


“And I get it, like, with all that's happened, Zayn? I get it, I do, but it's just getting to be a little tough for me with uni and work...”  


“You want me to go?”  


“What?”  


“Are you asking me to move out?”  


“No! No that's not at all what I'm-”  


“Cause I can stay with me mum for a few or-”  


“I was just saying I was thinking that maybe-”  


“I mean until I get back on my feet-”  


“It would be easier if we got another roommate.”  


“If I get back on my feet... Wait, what?”  


“What?”  


“Wha- Niall, a- you want to- a roommate?”  


“Yeah, I mean we've got the spare room and it could split the rent in half plus this guy has a steady job-”  


“Wait, what do you mean _this guy_? What guy? You found a guy?”  


“I mean I wasn't really looking for him but he's in my gov class and we chatted it up one day, turned out he was looking to move, something about a fresh start or whatever. I've been thinking about getting another roommate anyway, for a while now actually, so I offered.” Niall shrugged leaving his corn flakes to move closer to Zayn who's eyes hadn't strayed from the green bowl since Niall began. “He's a good guy, Zayn. This is gonna be fine, we're gonna be fine. He's not here to replace you, you know that?”  


Zayn nodded. It was a small, hesitant nod but a nod none the less.  


“Now get out of here before you miss your eight a.m's.”  


Niall smiled before wrapping his best mate in a grip too tight to breath in.  


“If you said no that would have been it. I would have told him we couldn't but I really do think this'll help”  


“I trust you.”

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“I don't like him.”  


“Zayn, you haven't even had a proper conversation with him!”  


“I don't have to, nor do I want to. I don't like him Niall.”  


“Ok, you don't like him, why?”  


“I don't know there's just something about him, I don't like it.”  


“You don't even know the guy, give him a chance.”  


“His name is _Louis_ , Niall. Louis! What kind of name is that?”  


“Uh, his name.”  


“Yeah, well, It's dumb.”  


“You're dumb.”  


“Really? What are you? Five?”  


“You started this!”  


“Alright lads?”  


Both Niall and Zayn turned from their whispered debate to the man standing in their hall, backpack slung over his shoulder, blue cap covering dusty brown hair.  


“Louis!” Niall spoke after a moment. “Is that the last of it then?”  


“Yeah, and I wish I could stay and chat but I promised some friends I'd have a pint with them later so.”  


“All good, mate. We'll have plenty of time for chat later.”  


“Cheers.”  


Louis left with a smile, a nod, and a glance at Zayn before heading to the spare room, which was now his room.  


“Hey Niall?”  


“Yeah mate?”  


“I really don't like him.”

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

The bottom of his laptop burned Zayn's thighs and he had since lost all feeling in his feet but he refused to move from his spot on the couch as his fingers danced over the keys, though never really touching down on any of them.  
He couldn't hear his thoughts long enough to write them down and every time he did catch a word it seemed too out of place, too random, too unfitting for it to fit into the story he had yet to write.  


For days it had been like that and he blamed it on too many emotions giving him writer's block but those days clumped into weeks which clustered into months and before he knew it, a whole slew of them passed him up and there he was, a year later and not an idea carried out.  


But still he insisted on sitting in front of a muted television glancing up every now and again at the same reruns of Friends as his laptop glowed with the white starchy light of a blank word document until his eyes burned when he blinked and his shoulders cramped from slouching over.  


“Do you mind mate?”  


Zayn nearly jumped at the sudden and unfamiliar sound of Louis' voice. He looked up to find the boy, remote in hand and gesturing to the T.V.. Zayn shook his head and Louis flipped the sound back on. The sudden volume was harsh to Zayn's ears and scattered his thoughts so that when he turned back to his document, he had to find them and pick them up again.  


“You watch futbol?”  


It took a second for Zayn to register that Louis was talking to him before responding.  


“Em, no not really.”  


“Ah, shame mate, fun sport. I'm from Doncaster meself, pretty big sport that is down there.”  


“Right.”  


“So where are you from. Originally I mean. Somewhere North I'd guess, you've the accent for it.”  


“Bradford, actually.”  


“You move here for uni? Job?”  


“Originally uni, yeah, but, em I dropped out 'bout a year ago.”  


“Wasn't for you then?”  


“Yeah.”  


“So where do you work?”  


“I don't really have- I mean I write so I'd sell my stuff to blogs and magazines and stuff like that.”  


“Is that what you're working on there?”  


“Uh, yeah, I was.”  


Louis looked at him for a moment as if assessing him, evaluating the kind of person Zayn was and something cold tumbled down the length of Zayn's spine and he found himself not being able to look in Louis' eyes.  


“I'll leave you to it then.” Louis said with a quick smile and and a nod before sitting back in the couch and turning his attention to the footie match in front of him.  


After that, words came no easier to Zayn then they had before so he shut his laptop and moped his way right into his room. 

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“So I was wondering if you'd be alright with a few of my mates coming over for the match Saturday? It's been a tradition we've sort of created and I told them we could have it here if that's alright.”  


“Sure mate, just, how many is a few?” Niall asked taking another bite of his sandwich.  


“You might know them, Harry Styles? He's in our gov class and Liam Payne? Plays footie for the school.”  


“Yeah, Liam Payne! Kid's a beast!” Niall said with blue eyes wide and turkey shoved into his cheek. “You remember Liam don't you Zayn? From the matches?”  


“I remember the name, yeah.”  


“You've been to the matches?” Louis asked, the first full sentence he'd spoken to Zayn in the last week.  


“When I attended I did, not anymore though.”  


“Right, so how long _did_ you attend uni then?”  


Niall stopped chewing his sandwich and looked from Louis to Zayn.  


“Not that long.” Zayn muttered talking to his own barely eaten sandwich instead of Louis.  


“So is that why you don't have a job?”  


Niall opened his mouth to interject but Zayn beat him to it.  


“I haven't been looking.” which wasn't a lie, well not exactly.  


Zayn hadn't been looking for a job but he didn't bother to explain how that was after getting fired from three other jobs because of his 'poor people skills' and 'lack of effort'.  


“Right, you've got your writing.”  


“Right.”  


“So, Liam Payne right. How did you two meet?” Niall asked but kept a cautious eye on Zayn who kept a subservient eye on his sandwich.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

It was on the very rare occasion that people, other than Niall or Zayn, would be in Niall and Zayn's flat. However, Niall and Zayn's flat was now Niall and Zayn and Louis' flat and, in like events, there were people in Niall and Zayn's flat.  


Zayn did remember Louis telling him and Niall that he was inviting two of his friends over to watch the match but unfortunately he didn't quite remember when exactly until after he had strolled into the living room with his laptop in one hand and mug in the other only to be met by three boys, one of which he had never seen before, shoveling crisps and dip into their mouths around the TV.  


“Zayn! Glad you came down! Care to join?” Niall asked with a smear of spinach dip painted across his upper lip.  


“I- uh.” Zayn mumbled still in bewilderment.  


“Oh right! Zayn, this is Harry, Harry, this is Zayn.” Niall Introduced.  


“Hi.” The boy, Harry, said brushing long curls out of his face before eating another crisp.  


Zayn didn't say anything but nodded though he was pretty sure Harry didn't see since he turned right back to Louis to continue their conversation.  


“You gonna hang out, Zayn?” Niall asked patting the spot next to him but Zayn shook his head.  


“That's alright, mate, I think I'll get some work done in my room.”  


Of course, Zayn had no plan to be getting any work done without the telly or his couch spot and now he made a perfectly good cup of coffee but with no intention of drinking it. So he made his way into the kitchen but by the looks of it, he wasn't the only one.  


“Um-”  


“Oh, I don't suppose you know where the mugs are?”  


“Second Cabinet on the left.”  


“Thanks.” The stranger smiled before pouring water into the mug and setting it in the microwave. “Oh, I'm Liam, Liam Payne.” Liam reached out a hand to Zayn who set his own mug down to shake it.  


“Zayn.”  


“Nice to meet you Zayn. I'm assuming you're the other bloke who lives here?”  


“Yeah, that's uh, that's me.”  


“Louis has told me a bit about you.”  


And before Zayn could help himself, he laughed and said, “He doesn't seem to like me much.”  


Fortunately, saving Zayn from further embarrassment, Liam laughed too.  


“Yeah, Louis doesn't seem to like anybody much at first but once you get to know him he's a good lad.”  


Zayn smiled, faintly and barley but there was something in the way the corners of Liam's eyes crinkled and how he put one hand on his heart when he laughed that made Zayn feel okay for a little bit.  


“Anyway, I should be going then-” Zayn said giving Liam a quick smile.  


“You're not going to stay for the match?”  


“I have work I have to finish.”Zayn said lifting his laptop.  


“Right then, it was nice meeting you, Zayn.” Liam dipped his tea bag into his mug before making his way to the rest of the group.  


Some time ago, Zayn would have watched a sport he didn't understand and sit with a crowd of people he didn't really like just to get to know that boy better.  


But Liam was a footie legend and Zayn was just a boy with bad dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why [Phoenix?](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com/post/141854279944/a-method-to-my-madness)
> 
>    
> Come visit me on [tUmBlr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zaithiest) :)  
> (Pretty pls)


	2. Words to do the Walking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Later that night as they were snuggled into each others side Zayn couldn't help but to think of how pathetic it must be to have to use somebody else's lungs to do your own breathing. The night had gone with little conversation and a lot of noise but it seemed like all that had happened was locked in the stall of a public restroom. Too private to share, but they already knew. Screaming and whispering weren't much different. Both are hard to understand, both damage your voice, both hide secrets that only few can reduce them down to."

Sometimes Zayn couldn't believe it had already been a year, sometimes he couldn't believe it was only a year. Certain days he still felt the bruises pressed into his skin, other days he thought he dreamed it all up in the scary subconscious of his mind. And every now and again Zayn would stare at blank sheets of paper wondering why he couldn't write a story he already knew the ending to.  


It was one of those days. One of those days when Niall would be gone before Zayn even got out of bed and when he did, it was only to go to the bathroom and make himself a cup of coffee before stowing away again under the bulky duvet. But even the thick cotton did nothing to drown out the sounds of the television.  


So Zayn got out of the warmth and comfort of his bed to trudge all the way down the hall to tell Louis to dial down the sound on the T.V. but Louis wasn't there so he rolled his eyes and did it himself before making his way to the kitchen.  


“Happy-!”  


Louis' head snapped up at the sound of Zayn's entrance and his arm swung around his back.  


“Zayn! What are you doing up?”  


“It's like noon, and you had the telly loud.” Zayn explained but eyed Louis wearily. “What's that?”  


“What's what?”  


“That.”  


“This?” Louis picked up his phone.  


“No that.” Zayn sighed.  


“My cuppa?”  


“Louis, don't be a twat, what's behind your back?”  


“What's it to you?”  


“Well, we live together for one. I've got to make sure you haven't got a knife back there.”  


“It's a card.”  


“A card? Already? Christmas is for another, like, two weeks isn't it?”  


Just then the yellow fold of paper fluttered to the ground behind Louis landing like a tent before a shrill recorded voice sang out.  


“Happy birthday Louis! We love you!”  


“I can explain.”  


“Birthday?”  


Louis sighed and picked up the card.  


“Technically not till the twenty-fourth but, yeah.”  


“Oh, well happy birthday. I don't know why you'd want to keep a secret though to be honest" 

“It's not the day that I'm too concerned about.”  


“Wait.” Zayn took a second glance at the card. “24? You're 24?”  


“And there it is.”  


“But your a sophomore, I thought you said you were 21?”  


“Uh, correction, I didn't say anything about my age at all.”  


“Still, I assumed-”  


“Well there's your problem. You didn't ask did you?”  


“Does Niall know?”  


“He didn't ask either.” Louis shrugged.  


“Harry?”  


“Come to think of it, none of you asked about my birthday. What a shit lot of friends you all are.”  


“But Liam knows.”  


“Of course he knows, he's my best mate.”  


“So you skipped a year between high school and college did you?”  


Louis sighed and placed the card on the counter and messed both hands through his hair before looking at Zayn for just a moment.  


“I flunked.” He muttered looking towards his mug of cooling tea as he spoke.  


“You did what?” Zayn asked still perplexed by the entire encounter.  


“I flunked, I failed freshman year of college.” Louis repeated looking directly at Zayn the second time he confessed.  


“You failed?”  


“Yeah.”  


“Like, as in, you didn't pass any of your courses?”  


“Do you understand or would you like to say it one more time?”  


“Wait, so you failed you're freshman year-?”  


“Yes, thank you, I needed to hear it again.”  


“-but you hate me for dropping out of mine?”  


“What? I never said I hated you?”  


“Well it seemed like it.”  


“The same way it seemed like I was 21?”  


“Fair enough.” Zayn said crossing behind the counter to seat himself on one of the stools. “So how did you, like, what did you do?”  


Louis just looked at him for a moment as if testing his worthiness to hear the truth. Then he sighed, sat, and brushed the fringe away from his face.  


“I hated it when I got here.” He started. “The whole look of it, the professional feel of it. Back in high school I was popular, I was that bloke who got sent home with a conduct referral from the office every day. I always had to make someone laugh. I was an attention whore and proud of it.” Louis smiled at the memory and Zayn almost smiled too had the story not surfaced his own high school memories. “But as soon as I got to college- nobody cared, you know? The classes are too big to make a joke for people to hear. You don't get to do talent shows or share you reports with the class. No one knows who you are, no one cares.  


“So I made friends. People who were like me, missing the good old days of high school and looking for trouble. We found it too, multiple times actually. Frat parties, skipping class, pranking professors. And then it was alcohol, drugs, waking up miles from campus. Eventually one of my mates overdosed and didn't come back, another was expelled. Me mum had no idea, still doesn't. I think she had a feeling, ya know, like something was up, but she never asked.  


“It was around the same time I got started getting kicked out of pubs that I met Liam. God, I hated him.” Louis laughed and swirled the now cold tea around in his mug. “He took everything so seriously you know? He couldn't give a crap about his grades but footie? He was proper obsessed with footie, mate. It's all he ever wanted to do. To top it all off he was one of those guys. You know the ones, they think they can help everyone. And I hate to say it but he did.  


“He got me out of it all. He was the only one who believed in me and soon enough I picked myself back up but it was too late to fix my grades and so I talked to the school board and here I am now.”  


Zayn just looked at the boy in front of him. The slightly hypocritical, judgmental, brave, strong boy that stood across the counter from him.  


“I never hated you Zayn, I was just scared that I was hanging around the wrong people again but I was wrong.” Louis took the card from the counter and headed to the hall but Zayn stopped him.  


“Louis?”  


“Yeah?”  


“Thank you.”  


Louis paused, nodded and slipped out of the kitchen.

-:-:-:-:-

“Out with it then.” Niall said putting his chopsticks down rather loudly.  


“Out with what?” Zayn asked as he slurped up the rest of his Ramen.  


“You've been studying those noodles harder than I study for finals. What are you thinking about?”  


“Has Louis been... odd around you lately?”  


“You mean odder than usual? Not that I've noticed, why? Did he do something?”  


“He was just, I dunno, nice.” Zayn shrugged swirling his chopsticks around the noodles.  


Niall just looked at him for a moment before throwing his hands up.  


“For the love of-” He laughed. “Someone call Santa 'cause Louis Tomlinson just made it off the naughty list! Really mate? That's what you've been mulling over for the past hour?”  


“Shut up, I'm serious, he was oddly nice to me today.”  


“Maybe he feels guilty, 'bout that whole first week or so. Maybe that's his way of saying sorry.”  


“I don't like it.”  


“Zayn, you can't constantly question every nice thing someone does for you. Just go with it, what's so bad about him being nice to you anyway?”  


“People aren't nice unless they want something, Niall, that's why. He barely talked to me this past month much less tell me his life story! He wants something, I can feel it.”  


“What about me then? I'm nice to you aren't I?”  


“Yeah but- that's different.”  


“Get up! Get dressed! We are going out!”  


Both boys looked up to see Louis standing in the doorway, knuckles on his hips like he was posing for the cover of an action film.  


“Right now?” Niall asked glancing back at his Ramen noodles.  


“Yes right now, s'not like your doing much by the looks of it.” Louis commented eyeing their noodles.  


“Fair point. Where are we going?”  


“Paddy's. Liam and Harry will be there too and actually-” Louis glanced down at his phone. “They're there now so let's go!” He clapped his hands and danced down the hall.  


Niall wasted no time in dumping his bowl into the sink and heading towards the door.  


“You coming Zayn?”  


“I don't think-”  


“Yes!” Louis cut off shouting from down the hall. “Zayn is going, Niall is going, I'm going, everyone's going or no one's going!”  


And that was that.  


The bar was different, or at least it seemed so. The ceiling was higher, the lights brighter, the tables didn't seem so clustered together. It wasn't filled with loud men and extreme looking women. His lungs didn't stutter with sooty air and his shoes didn't stick to spilt drinks as he walked through the room.  


No. The bar had never changed but as Zayn saw it now he did so with different eyes.  


“Louis!” Harry greeted as he and Liam slid from the booth.  


The curly haired one wrapped the older boy in a hug as the other boy in the booth walked casually up to Zayn, not daring to touch or get too close but close enough that Zayn could see the warm caramel of his eyes and the tender pink of his lips.  


“Hi, Zayn.” Liam spoke and Zayn wondered why it sounded so different from the last time they talked but familiar in such a way that it was as he had known Liam for years.  


“Hi.” Zayn responded too gentle for the bar scene but that all seemed far away now as he talked to Liam.  


Zayn could've sworn he heard a 'happy birthday' whispered when Liam went to give Louis a hug and, had he not known better, he would have thought it a figment of his imagination.  


But that is what their get together was for after all; to celebrate a birthday no one knew of in a bar Zayn didn't recognize anymore and a small glass filled with dog-food flavored alcohol.  


“They're bacon shots, bloody delicious if you ask me.” Louis said pushing two towards Zayn.  


Zayn gave one to Liam, who he thought the second shot was for, but apparently not because just as he did the lad shook his head and pushed it back towards him.  


“I don't drink that stuff.” He stated simply and Zayn wanted to ask but he didn't and instead he drank the shots one after another and grimaced at the sour flavor.  


Liam laughed as Zayn all but chugged his orange juice.  


“You alright there mate?” The boy asked squeezing Zayn's shoulder.  


“Yeah, yeah, just- Hadn't done that in a while.” Zayn explained swirling the remnants of his drink around his glass. “God that's awful.”  


“Leave it to Lou.” Liam shook his head fondly before sipping his beer.  


Zayn looked at him for a moment. His stubbled jaw line, his trademark birthmark, his crinkly eyes. There was something familiar about Liam, something foreign, something comforting, something exciting. There was something about Liam that let Zayn allow his mind to turn his thoughts to words no matter how distant they seemed.  


“You've been friends with him for a long time then?” Of course, Zayn already new the answer but he wanted to witness Liam's honesty.  


“Yeah, since last year but it feels like forever.” Liam replied watching the older boy down more shots, one of them on fire.  


“So where are you from then?” Zayn couldn't help but ask. Maybe it was the alcohol giving him courage, maybe tomorrow he would forget.  


“Wolverhampton, originally.”  


“Why London?”  


“For uni?” Liam looked to Zayn then and the dark haired lad felt his courage slip away into a sense of sobriety. He nodded but it was barley all he could manage until Liam spoke again. “I got a full ride for footie. Wasn't gonna turn that down for a second. Wasn't my first choice, I wanted to stay near my family but you just don't say no to a full ride, you know?” Zayn managed another nod. “So what about you?” Liam returned the favor.  


“Um, Bradford.”  


“North? Should've known with an accent such as your own.” Liam smiled.  


“Yeah, I- London wasn't really my first option either. It wasn't really a plan, university I mean. Just anywhere far enough to be on my own for a bit. I hadn't been out of Bradford much and not very far either.”  


“So you just sorted London as your best option then?”  


“Well, my- I came here with someone, we were, like, together.” Liam raised his eyebrows. “At the time.” Zayn added turning back to the watered down orange juice, just one fragile piece of ice floating near the edge, slowly disintegrating in the tangy acidity.  


“Girlfriend?” Liam asked, he had to ask.  


“Boyfriend, actually.”  


Suddenly the bar was the same, just like he remembered. Dingy lighting, worn leather booths, squawking laughter, choking fumes. He couldn't breath and it had been a year dammit, a year and he still couldn't breath. A year and the same calloused hand wrapped around his throat, the jagged nails of bitten fingers digging into his flesh, the lack of oxygen spinning his head. Every breath was filled with blood and water. It had been a year and the whole time Zayn had been drowning, nose above the surface but mouth gasping in smoke and flame.  


“I'll be- I have to go for a second.”  


The toilet was too far, the door was much closer but there was a steady stream of nightlife bustling at the entrance so Zayn headed for the bathroom stumbling over the legs of chairs and tripping over his own to feet before falling into a cubical much too tight for his already sinking chest. Breathing came easy but it was useless. Big gulps of air with no oxygen, gasps to rid himself of the drowning sensation but to no avail. He was going to die there in that bathroom stall and no one would know because his lungs wouldn't expand enough to allow sound past his lips. His knuckles were weak but they were rolled tightly into the palms of his hands and pressed snugly to his chest which concaved into his spine with every shallow exhale. He felt so still, deadly still, but every fibrous muscle twitched underneath his shallow skin and he felt so paper thin that if he didn't hold on to himself tight enough he would simply blow away like a leaf caught in the white foamy rapids of the wind.  


“Zayn?”  


His name seemed so much further than the other side of the door, it seemed so foreign like it wasn't his.  


“Ni.” he wheezed out fumbling with the lock until the door opened and he could breath again before being pulled up and into the familiar arms of his best mate.  


“What happened mate? You were doing so good.” The blonde cooed like a mother and of the same kindness brushed a finger through Zayn's licorice locks.  


“I thought- I was doing fine. I was fine and then- I just thought- it was so quick, it happened so quick.”  


“Was it something Liam said?”  


“No. No. Yes. He didn't mean it, he didn't know, I said- I shouldn't have said-”  


“Shh, it doesn't matter. You're okay, yeah? You're okay.”  


But he wasn't. He didn't feel okay. It was just another aftershock, another earthquake that uprooted already unstable foundation. No one could have seen it coming, but they recognized it when it did. The first time it was all confusion, an emergency call, too much chaos to calm the panic. It wasn't until the third or fourth time, which were not entirely too far apart, that Niall understood somewhat. It was a strong, steady hold that stopped the shaking, it was soft, articulate words that cleared the unsteady thoughts, it was taking deep, long breaths of his own so that Zayn could match them, so that he could function again.  


It was awkward leaving. Liam's concern didn't let his gaze fall far from Zayn, Louis was too out of it to know what was going on. Harry knew something was up but didn't touch on it and the worst part was it had all just ended like that. No one said goodbye, it seemed too early for those. Liam simply promised to get Lou home safely and then they were making their way out the door, Niall's hand wrapped protectively around Zayn's arm. There was no way Zayn would have made it to the door without it.  


“You want to sleep with me tonight?” Niall had offered and Zayn was okay, shaken and tired but okay. There was no reason to coddle but Niall was great, that's what he did.  


“I'll be fine.” Not entirely true but they understood what it meant. “Plus if Louis saw he would-”  


“Be too drunk to care.” Niall finished and Zayn knew there was no question in the first place.  


“Let me get undressed then.” Zayn bargained before slipping into his room.  


Later that night as they were snuggled into each others side Zayn couldn't help but to think of how pathetic it must be to have to use somebody else's lungs to do your own breathing. The night had gone with little conversation and a lot of noise but it seemed like all that had happened was locked in the stall of a public restroom. Too private to share, but they already knew. Screaming and whispering weren't much different. Both are hard to understand, both damage your voice, both hide secrets that only few can reduce them down to.  


“It's been too long since we've had a proper snuggle, innit.” Niall commented, white cotton pressed to Zayn's cheek, thick duvet threatening the cold and the shadows.  


Zayn hummed in response, too exhausted to speak, too tired to think, to lazy to lift his cheek off the warmth of Niall's chest to say yes or no. He knew what Niall was trying to do anyway, trying to keep the boy from his own head, distracting him from his own thoughts. But Zayn was too tired anyway and so they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why [Words to do the Walking?](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com/post/141854279944/a-method-to-my-madness)  
> I love talking to you guys so come visit me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zaithiest)  
> 


	3. Coffees and Teas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was quiet a moment after Liam spoke but a moment later he spoke again. “You should stay.”

“Yeah, I shouldn't have had two of those bacon shots in a row, and I don't think orange juice was the best to chase it either.”  


“But you're feeling better now?”  


“All good.”  


“I just wanted to make sure.” Liam paused, it sounded like a smile. “I'll talk to you sometime then?”  


“Sure” Zayn responded because how would he have said anything else?  


Niall's grin said everything once Zayn set his phone down but he still asked.  


“What?”  


“Oh, nothing.” Niall giggled leaning forward onto the counter. “Was just waiting for you to get off the phone with you're worried ass boyfriend.”  


“Shut it, we barely know each other.”  


“One, two, three-” Niall started counting off fingers.  


“What are you doing?”  


“Counting how many shags I had before I knew their names.”  


“That's cause you're a slut.”  


“Hey!” Niall clapped a hand over his heart. “I just have a lot of friends is all. A lot of very attractive friends.”  


“Whatever, besides, don't you kinda need to know their name before- ya know.”  


“Not all the time, some of them like to be called other things.” Niall winked.  


Zayn rolled his eyes.  


“I'm going to make sure Louis' alive.”  


“Aww you two are gonna be best mates in no time.” Niall cooed but Zayn was already gone.  


Zayn was not particularly quiet when he barged into Louis room. There was little mercy in him as he flopped down onto the bed, half on the sleeping boy's feet. Zayn knew he could mow their nonexistent lawn and Louis would still be asleep so he was not at all surprised when he simply mumbled something, probably profanity, before turning around and snuggling right back to sleep.  


“Get up, you have class.” Zayn tried shaking the boy with minimal effort. “You're gonna be late.”  


“Nice try you arsehole.” Louis mumbled from the side of the pillowcase. “It's Saturday. And, it's break.”  


“Breaks are dumb, Saturday doesn't exist, get up so we can go shopping.”  


“Food is for the weak.”  


“Tell that to the massive pack of biscuits you devoured last night. C'mon, get up, you can take something for the headache and then we're leaving.”  


“Take Niall.”  


“Niall is doing other things.”  


“Like what?”  


“Like other things.” Zayn shoved off the bed ignoring Louis' groan and made his way to the door. “If you get up now we'll stop by Aunt Mila's.”  


Louis winked an eye open to look at Zayn with curiosity.  


“For breakfast?”  


“It's nearly noon, Louis.”  


“Fair enough. Give me ten then mate.”  


It was a bit of a walk but nothing horrible and soon the boys were thawing their hands out in the warmth of the little cafe and bakery.  


“Did I tell you Harry works here?” Louis asked pulling off his mittens.  


“You might have mentioned it.” Zayn replied and added, “Several times.” under his breath.  


“Oh, Liam works here too.” Louis informed before moving to the counter and leaving Zayn a little dazed and confused near the door.  


“You- you didn't mention that bit.”  


He didn't know which was worse, the embarrassment left from last night or Zayn's inability to speak in the presence of Liam.  


“Just a black coffee?” Liam confirmed tapping the screen in front of him. Zayn nodded and pushed the money forward on the counter. “Are you sure? We just made these cupcakes, I don't know if you're a chocolate guy but, these are great.”  


“You made these? I didn't know you could bake.” Which was a dumb statement really because it wasn't like they talked much and especially not about their lives outside of school and friends.  


“Well, I helped Harry make them. Kinda.”  


Zayn nodded eyeing the cocoa colored mini cakes topped with perfectly whipped icing. It seemed a shame to let them go without a taste.  


“Okay, yeah, I'll take one.” Zayn said digging through his pocket for more cash.  


“On me then.” Liam smiled and Zayn froze, fingers pinching a petty amount of coins. “I'm not trying to make a sale here, I just thought maybe you'd like them.” Liam supplied after noticing his hesitancy.  


“I- um-” Zayn stuttered not entirely trustful of his voice.  


“Zayn, the lad is offering you a free cupcake.” Louis stated. “If you don't take it I will.”  


Zayn left with a coffee in one hand and a cupcake in the other barely listening to Louis ramblings of how Harry always leaves so early for holidays and something about homesick freshmen before they reached the market.  


“So why haven't you then?”  


“What?” Louis asked setting back down a packet of tiny donuts.  


“Why haven't you gone home yet?” Zayn asked throwing random cereals into the cart.  


“I don't see you in a hurry.” Louis stated instead.  


“Haven't gotten to packing yet.”  


“Right.” Louis huffed disbelieving.  


Zayn threw in crisps carelessly along with another package of Ramen Noodles.  


“Em, excuse me, I want crisps not crumbs.” Louis sassed fixing the groceries neatly into the cart.  


“And I suppose you want frosted Wheaties as well.”  


Louis nodded smugly.  


“You are one complicated guy, Louis Tomlinson.” Zayn rolled his eyes and grabbed a box of frosted cereal from the shelf.

-:-:-:-:-

“So when you said Niall was busy you meant he was busy packing?”  


“Yeah, so?”  


Louis and Zayn sat on the couch eating mostly broken crisps and watching Friends reruns on the telly. There wasn't much to do anyway. The flat was clean(ish), they were (mostly) packed and all they had to do was (finish) washing the dishes.  


Zayn sort of hated this half-done feeling. It fit the moment but it was only half an emotion. Part of him felt raw at the reminder of his family, his hometown, his life before night terrors and endless anxiety.  


The air felt hollow when Louis told him his mum was there to pick him up and it felt still when he offered Zayn the rest of his snacks in the fridge and it didn't feel like anything when Zayn heard the door shut and lock with a click and when there was three knocks at the door, everything felt electric.  


At first Zayn thought it must have been Louis forgetting something but when he opened the door the kind brown eyes definitely didn't belong to Louis.  


“Hi, Liam.”  


“Hey.” The two were silent for a moment and the air was buzzing again. “So I uh- Louis left this and I didn't know if he went just yet-”  


“He just left.” Zayn said staring rather obviously at the boy outside his door.  


“Right, em,” Liam continued rocking on his feet and biting on his lip.  


“But I could put it in his room so he has it when he gets back.” Zayn offered.  


“Yeah, thanks.”  


“Do you- do you want to come in?”  


Zayn was back to halves again. Half of him wanted Niall so so badly but the other half scolded him for being so dependent. He almost didn't want Liam to smile in that stupid way that made his eyes wrinkle at the edges and nod all too quickly. He almost wished Liam had to pack still or maybe he was going home soon but no, why would Zayn be so lucky?  


Wholeheartedly was something Zayn only knew half of.  


“I'm kinda surprised you haven't left yet.” Liam said. “I would hate to sit here alone.”  


“'M not alone anymore am I?” Zayn didn't know where he found courage maybe it was in Liam.  


Liam turned around and smiled. “Guess not.”  


“So when are you headed out?”  


“Not till tomorrow, I still have stuff to finish. Work and school stuff. What about you?”  


“I don't know, was taking my time.”  


“No rush to leave?”  


“It's never this quiet. No rush to chaos.”  


“Loud family?”  


Zayn laughed, “You don't know the half of it.”  


“trust me, I've got two sisters, I know the half of it.”  


“Three.”  


“Younger or older?”  


“Both, and yours?”  


“Older.”  


Zayn smiled at the thought of a younger Liam. He wondered what he looked like then, how much he had changed, what his family was like, how it was growing up. They were small questions about the small moments but somehow the finest details seem most important when it's your heart that seeks them.  


“So what are they like then?”

-:-:-:-:-:-

Zayn's eyes blinked open to blinding white light and had he not remembered the night before so clearly, he would have thought he fell asleep with his laptop open again. Unfortunately that was not the case. The glowing porcelain came from the window, it was just a sliver of light from a crease in the drapes but it was enough to illuminate the room.  


Shivering at the cold of the room on his skin, Zayn got up and moved the curtain to the side.  


“No. Not possible-”  


But the evidence was right in front of him. Not even the street below his flat could be seen through the blizzard.  


He hated to say there was a bit of relief in knowing there was no way he could go home but something in his heart seemed to settle at the sight, or rather the lack of it.  


The shrill ringing of the phone didn't surprise him and neither did his mother's voice when he picked up.  


“Hey, Mum.” Zayn answered.  


“Zayn? Are you alright?” Her worried tone carried loudly over the receiver.  


“Yes I'm alright, I'm in the apartment.” Zayn chuckled.  


“Is Niall there?”  


“No he left yesterday.”  


“You're there all by yourself?”  


“Yeah.” Zayn rolled his eyes, he knew where the conversation was headed.  


“Oh Zayn, there isn't anyone you know in your building?”  


“I'm Fine, Mum, I can handle myself.”  


“I know, but if someone comes in-”  


“In this weather?” The other side of the line was quiet and Zayn laughed. “Honestly, Mum, you worry too much. I'll be fine. I love you, yeah?”  


“I love you too, just be safe okay? I'll see you soon, miss you.”  


“Miss you too, bye baby boy.”  


“Bye Mum.”  


Zayn smiled and set the phone down just as soon as it started ringing again. He jumped and wondered if there was something his mum forgot to tell him but it was a number he didn't recognize.  


“Hello?” He answered somewhat confused and a little worried.  


“Zayn? Hey, It's Liam.”  


“Hi Liam, what's up?”  


“You didn't leave yet did you?”  


“No not yet, I don't think I'll be able to at all really.” Zayn looked back out the window.  


“You're just going to sit alone in your flat?”  


Zayn laughed, “You sound just like my mum.”  


“Sorry, habit.” Liam laughed at the other end. “Anyway I called cause I was stupid enough to try and drive and now I'm sort of stuck and you're the only person I know who hasn't left yet. I was just wondering if you could help.”  


“Oh, um-”  


“I mean you don't have to, it's freezing and I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to go out in this-”  


“Okay.”  


“-and I wouldn't be calling if it wasn't an absolute emergency-”  


“Yeah, alright.”  


“-and I sort of feel like an ass for calling because this is probably not how-  


“Liam!”  


“...yeah?”  


“I said okay” Zayn laughed.  


“Oh, uh, okay. Okay thank you, thanks so so much Zayn you have no idea I could kiss you right now I mean metaphorically I don't, I mean-  


“Liam, just tell me where you are, yeah?”  


“Right, so I'm just past the corner where the coffee shop is-”

-:-:-:-:-:-

“You are a Godsend Zayn Malik. Honestly, who knows how long I would have been sitting there if you had already left or said no.”  


Zayn smiled and probably would have said something like thanks or shucks if he wasn't so concentrated on the road and on not making a fool of himself.  


“So I take a right up here?” he asked switching on his turn signal.  


“Yeah and it's like the second building so you can just drop me off at the corner.” It was quiet a moment after Liam spoke but a moment later he spoke again. “You should stay.”  


Zayn pulled up to the curb and put the car in park and just sat there a moment.  


“really” Liam continued. “It's dangerous driving in this alone and there's no one else at your apartment or mine so...”  


“uh, alright.”  


Liam smiled. “Alright.”

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Liam's flat was big. Well, not really big but bigger than Zayn's for sure and maybe it just looked that way because it was all one room.  


Two beds were tucked in each corner at the back of the room. Right of the door was kitchenette and table and left of the door was another door Zayn assumed to be the toilet.  


Both beds were made neatly, there were no dishes left in the sink or crumbs on the couch. The wooden floors seemed to be swept and, as if knowing what Zayn was thinking, Liam commented,  


“It's never really this clean,” He chuckled. “Harry usually does most of the cleaning but since he left it was sort of a mess and I just wanted to make sure it was clean when he came back, ya know.”  


“It's nice,” Zayn said looking out the three massive windows depicting the frigid winds and delicate flakes of snow thrashing in them.  


“Cable's out 'cause of the storm, you want to watch a movie, play a game? I've got cards.” Liam offered.  


Zayn stayed quiet, he didn't want to make the choice in fear of it being the wrong one. What if he said movie and it ends up being horribly awkward? Or maybe he chooses game and he ends up being terribly bad at it. Or maybe he just stands there listing every possible repercussion of his decision in silence as Liam waits patiently for him to choose.  


Which, by unconscious fallout, is what he ends up doing anyway.  


“Right, how about we put in a movie and we could play some cards. Coffee, tea?”  


“Coffee, please.” Zayn asks quietly and Liam moves to the kitchen area of the flat to pull out two mugs.  


“You can pick a film, they're in the left drawer under the T.V.,” Liam says and Zayn is back to choices again.  


This time it's a bit easier though as the drawer is filled with movies Zayn likes, save one tucked between Spider-man and the third Harry Potter film.  


“Fan of The Notebook?” He asked holding up the film with half a laugh.  


Liam turned around from dipping his tea bag into the hot water with a confused look before laughing himself.  


“'S Harry's,” Liam explained. “Kid's a romance addict. I, on the other hand,” He threw out the bag and pulled out a dish. “Am a superhero geek. Sugar?”  


Zayn shook his head 'no' and continued to watch as Liam dropped two into his own drink.  


“No milk either, huh,” Liam looked up with his face turned down in a smirk and it was sinful the way Zayn's lip twitched.  


“No, thank you. Is Lord of the Rings okay?”  


“Sure. I'm going to call a tow for my car. Think you can figure that out?” Liam asked setting down a mug on the coffee table behind Zayn and nodding towards the television.  


“I think I can manage,” Zayn said with a quick smile.  


Liam nodded and turned towards what Zayn figured to be his bed before pulling out his mobile and dialing.  


Zayn focused on the task at hand. It was easier, fixing instead of building. No more worrying about what to say, what the right answers were. Starting a new relationship was much more difficult than solving the puzzle that was the DVD player and so it was simple for Zayn to get the movie started as Liam spoke softly in the background.  


Zayn stood and looked at his coffee but he didn't touch it, not yet. Liam was just ending the call and hadn't yet took a sip of his tea and so Zayn looked at the black caffeine in the turquoise mug but didn't dare lay a trembling finger to it yet. Though he did all this at once while wondering why he sought permission in such trivial acquisitions. Like he wasn't allowed to have, like he wasn't allowed to take.  


“That was fast. Took me near a month to proper figure it out meself,” Liam commented switching his phone for his mug of tea and taking a sip.  


Zayn followed suit and picked up his own mug but waited for Liam to join him in the living room of sorts before taking a sip of his own.  


“I'm no good at anything technological.”  


“What are you good at, then?”  


Zayn hadn't meant for it to sound sarcastic or challenging. It truly was curiosity but the question made his limbs stiff with regretful anticipation.  


Liam didn't seem to think twice before answering.  


“Futbol, I mean, I suppose.” Liam said and sunk into the plush leather of the couch.  


Zayn sat too, much slower and much more carefully, and a little ways away from where Liam had invited him to sit with a pat of his hand on the cushion.  


“And yourself? What do you suppose you're good at?” Liam asked watching the boy who wouldn't meet his eyes.  


Zayn was silent. He didn't answer or think of an answer. Instead his mind was panicked and his breathing harsh and his heart thrumming much to loud in his ears but only inside his skin, from the outside it simply looked like thought.  


“I use to write,” He stated instead.  


“Oh really?”  


“yeah, not too long ago actually.”  


“About what?”  


Zayn looked up with half a smile and fingers wrapped graciously around the warmth of his mug.  


“Anything.” He spoke with a distant happiness that looked a lot like memories. “I would just sit and write for hours. Me mum couldn't get me to come down for dinner sometimes, I would get so caught up in these- these pointless, endless fairy-tales.” Zayn looked off into the kitchen, away from Liam's fond smile. “Eventually my fingers would cramp up or my computer would die and I would have to stop. Niall use to say I was more concerned about the worlds I created instead of the actual world I lived in. I would read them to him sometimes, late at night when we were barely awake enough to finish them. It use to come so easy, ya know?”  


“Why'd you stop?”  


Zayn paused, frowned, and looked down at his black, beckoning coffee.  


“We can't live in fantasy forever.”  


“Maybe not,” Liam said not taking his eyes off Zayn with inquisition not spoken for.  


After three Lord of the Rings films, Liam had said something about it being a while since he last saw them and couldn't remember how they ended, Liam's tea was gone and Zayn's coffee cold and the two were finding it hard not to drift off into sleep.  


Zayn looked to Liam who's chest moved in deep breaths while he was leaned, eyes closed, onto his side. He didn't want to move, afraid the movement might wake up the possibly sleeping boy next to him, and frankly he didn't know what he would do if he did get up.  


So Zayn sat there watching the credits until they cut off and then watching the snow outside the wall of windows until the sky grew a charcoal gray color and eventually, his eyes shut too and he fell slowly into sleep.  


He dreamt that night.  


Maybe it was the way his neck was bent so that it was hard to breath, or maybe it was the way the leather felt against his skin, or maybe it was just because he had fallen asleep.  


Whatever it was that reminded him of what use to be, it brought detailed memories from under their sheer cloak to scream inside Zayn's dreams again.  
The leather, no breath, trying stay awake when he was already sleeping. It was too late. Too late to hide, too late to run. Zayn knew he was looking, he knew he would find him. Zayn screamed in his 

head: You should have listened! You should have stayed! He'll find you He'll hurt you, he'll find you, he'll-  
Hands wrapped around Zayn's shoulders and he screamed. He screamed like he was on fire, he screamed until his throat was torn, he screamed like Niall had told him to, _“If he hurts you, if he tries to touch you, you scream. You hear me, Zayn? You scream bloody murder, you understand?”_  


But eventually his throat gave out and screams became weak sobs and it all hurt so much. The bruises everywhere, the blood that ran down his throat, the tears that burned paths down his face.  


“Zayn.”  


The voice was gentle, a whisper, a caress of words. It was something familiar. Zayn writhed into the leather, and choked on his scream and gripped so tightly onto Liam, when he let go, there was a tear at the seam of his sleeve.  


“Niall?”  


“It's me, it's Liam. You're in my apartment. You're okay, everything's okay, yeah?” Zayn shivered when he realized Liam was still holding him tight by the shoulders, like Niall would. He didn't move, he just gulped air with wide eyes and a cooling heartbeat. “You were asleep and I didn't want to wake you but you started screaming so I called Niall. I thought you were having another attack, like the one at the pub, but he said you get nightmares sometimes so I thought I'd wake you up but that just seemed to make it worse. I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to do you were so- Are you okay?” There were creases of worry set in Liam's forehead, lines of distress and concern. Zayn stared at them for a while and swallowed. “Nevermind, stupid question. But you're gonna be okay, yeah? Zayn opened his lips to speak but pain bubbled in his throat like lava and Liam quickly hushed him. “You wrecked your voice pretty good there. Don't talk for a while, just rest. I'd make some tea for you but that might hurt.” Liam looked at him, soft brown eyes, fretfully furrowed brows. He looked at Zayn kindly and Zayn had to swallow again. “God- I'm sorry, Z. I really am.”  


Zayn gave him a small nod, a tiny confirmation that he was okay and that they would be fine. Zayn didn't know why Liam didn't let go until he fell asleep again, but he didn't complain either. Liam was just like everyone else; impossibly unique.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why [Coffees and teas](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com/post/141854279944/a-method-to-my-madness)  
> [Tumblrrrrrrrrr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zaithiest)  
> 


	4. These are the Memories in Which We Fade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Suddenly he wasn't in his small little flat, but a cloudy dorm-room that smelled like weed and paint, suddenly, he was pressed to the splintering floorboards, suddenly, Zayn remembered every last thing he knew about his life."
> 
> (Part One)

It was quiet, the next morning as Liam made tea and coffee and in the car as Zayn drove home and in his room as he sat there after a copious amount of hugs and kisses from his mum.  


The navy walls were bluer than he remembered, the creamy tan carpet a little browner, and the pictures of old friends and distant memories a little harder to remember but Zayn was happy to be home.  


There was something about spices wafting through the house, chicken spitting oil in a pan, a million different types of sides leaving just enough room for a plate and a glass in front of each chair at the kitchen table that made Zayn feel home. It wasn't ever the slightly peeling wallpaper or the creaking wooden chairs or the rusting bricks at the front of the house. It had always been his mum's cooking, his dad's ridiculous jokes, his sisters whining about boys at school and unfair teachers.  


Zayn watched from a distance with a smile, only pulled into the conversation when Saffaa was finished explaining how math shouldn't be a mandatory subject.  


“So, Zayn, how's Niall been?” His father asked turning to look at his son.  


“He's good. We- a- we actually got another flatmate recently.”  


“Really? How long? You never told me.” Zayn's mum asked scooping a pile of vegetables onto her plate.  


“Not that long, It didn't come up I guess.”  


“Well are they nice?”  


“Yeah, he's nice.” Because what else was Zayn going to say.  


“That's good, he go to school there?”  


Zayn nodded and looked down at his chicken.  


Mr. Malik looked to his wife, crossed his arms, sat back, and smiled.  


“You don't like him.” He said in an amused way and Zayn shrugged and pushed his chicken to the edge of his plate.  


“He's quite-” Zayn paused and thought. If things were working out between him and Louis, the last thing he wanted to do was make the kid look bad in front of his family. And besides that, one wrong word and his mum would be calling every other day to see if he was alright. So Zayn only took a moment before finishing by saying “-out there,” with a curt smile as he watched his mum relax.  


“Well that's good.” His mum smiled poking her fork back into her vegetables.”Maybe he'll introduce you to new people. Broaden your horizons a bit, get you out of the house more.”  


Zayn nodded and looked to his chicken which seemed much more appetizing before his mind was thrown from the dinner table and back into his little flat tucked away in the corner of a big city.  


Suddenly, Zayn wasn't all that hungry.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“As much as I hate me Mum's pestering, her cooking sure makes it worth while.” Niall complained throwing himself onto the sofa, part of which Zayn currently inhabited.  


“I know the feeling,” Louis commented twisting off the top to a beer. “I miss my family, but God, every time I go back I remember why I had a rebellious teenage phase.”  


“You sure it was a phase mate?”  


“Sod off. It was good to be home but now it's good to be back, yeah?”  


“Yeah, back to slightly stale Wheaties and you twats.” Niall murmured flicking a cereal crumb off the couch.  


Zayn just smiled, head resting in Niall's lap legs strewn across the rest of the sofa.  


It was good to be back where everything was so fleeting, where he didn't have to dwell on something long before he decided it wasn't important anyhow. Real jobs and adulthood seemed far beyond them and high school and younger memories seemed nonexistent.  


“I'm suppose to meet Harry in a bit, see you tossers later.”  


Niall and Zayn murmured something like a goodbye as Louis shrugged on a coat and left them in an easy silence.  


Zayn reveled in it for a moment before Niall spoke.  


“Liam called me over break. Did you know that?” Niall asked slowly combing his hands through Zayn's hair.  


“No,” Zayn answered. He did, he remembered that night way too clearly to let it go but maybe Niall didn't.  


“Was kinda freaking out.” Niall continued. “You were there, he said you were there. Remember now?”  


Zayn blinked hard and sat up.  


“What are you on about.” He asked nearly standing up.  


“You were at Liam's yeah? You slept there?”  


“So.”  


“So...” Niall egged on with a grin.  


Zayn scoffed.  


“'S not like we did anything, just watched a couple movies and I ended up falling asleep, it got late.”  


“And-”  


“And I had a nightmare, okay?” Zayn stood. “Is that what you wanted to hear? I embarrassed myself in front of the one person I- In front of Liam and now he probably thinks I'm a nutcase.”  


“You are a nutcase.”  


Zayn rolled his eyes and flopped back down onto the couch.  


“And you're even crazier if you think that's gonna stop Liam from liking you.” Niall continued. “There's a lot more to you than what happened a year ago.”  


“Liam doesn't know that.”  


“I think he's figuring it out.”

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Zayn was still in the tangled sheets of his bed, tears flowing for no reason across the bridge of his nose and soaking into the cotton pillowcase, heart thumping obnoxiously like he had been running all day instead of laying there like he was.  


The tears would come and go but there were never sobs or cries or whimpers. Not a sound came from the blank, white bedroom except for the occasional hum of the heater kicking on or the rustle of sheets as Zayn turned to his other side.  


A mug filled with cold coffee sat at his bed stand next to a dry, crumbling muffin Niall had set there that morning. By his lamp sat his phone, frozen screen lighting up and buzzing twice every so often with a text, probably from Louis asking where his muffin had gone. Niall wouldn't text, he knew better than to bother trying and Zayn knew if it was an emergency he'd call.  


The day prolonged in minutes as Zayn went through years of memory. Silent thought that would occasionally snag his skin and rip open a partially healed wound. That's when the tears would come, though they came less often and quieter than before.  


When Niall came home he knocked softly, poked his head in when there was no answer and waited a moment after glancing at the uneaten muffin to make sure he saw the rise and fall of Zayn's chest before closing the door just as ceremoniously as before.  


When Louis came home bounding and whining about some knob of a professor, Zayn could hear through the door the hiss in Niall's “Shhh” and he sass in Louis' “Oh, beg my pardon is the Queen taking a nap?”  


“Zayn's sleeping.”  


“It's almost three.” Louis scoffed but with a hushed tone.  


“I know.”  


“Well what the fuck's wrong with 'im then?”  


“He's just not feeling great, Lou, leave it yeah?”  


Zayn fell into a rhythm after sometime around 2:00. His body, exhausted from reliving countless stories, ached for sleep and nodded off now and again but Zayn's mind, electric and pulsing with terror, knew what would happen if he let himself fall into his unconscious and jerked his body awake every time it was on the verge of sleep.  


“Hey Zayn?”  


Zayn looked at the 10:47 glowing red on his clock before looking at Niall. Snakes of light slithered around the boy's body and into Zayn's room but only enough so that the black turned a bruised blue color.  


“Liam's here,” Niall paused. “Just wanted to let you know.”  


After that, the memories fell away and Zayn's head was unwelcomingly empty. The minutes seemed to stretch miles now that they were no longer occupied with years of memory and Zayn found himself going mad at not being able to make out the blurry conversations and laughter from down the hall.  


But he was too frozen and too lost to find his way out of the shadows.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“Feeling better then?” Liam asked sliding a cup full of coffee and a chocolate cupcake across the counter to Zayn.  


Zayn took the cup and cupcake slowly and looked questioningly at Liam.  


“Niall said you weren't feeling well the other night, when I was over.” Liam explained and Zayn breathed out.  


“Yeah, all good.” He smiled, twitched and frowned. “Look, Liam, about what happened before break-”  


“Don't worry about it.” Liam said without hesitation and looked over his shoulder. “ I'm on break in like five if you haven't got anywhere to be.”  


“Yeah?”  


“Yeah.”  


Zayn doubted the time it took for Liam to shuck off his apron and join him in the booth was five minutes. It felt like seconds and his breath came in similar short gasps. But when Liam did slide in the booth with a blushing grin and a cup of tea, Zayn felt buzzing.  


There was something electrifying about feeling _something_ even though Zayn hardly knew what that something was.  


“Thank you” Liam said brushing flour off his pants. “For waiting.”  


“S'no problem, you do give me free cupcakes.” Zayn smiled and Liam laughed.  


“True.”  


“How was break?” Zayn asked fidgeting with the cardboard ring around his cup.  


“Nice, loud but- always good to be home.” Liam smiled distantly for a moment before returning the favor. “Yours?”  


“Good, it was- I didn't go home last year for breaks and stuff so, s'been a while.”  


“I suppose you've got the freedom to go home whenever now, without Uni in the way and all.”  


Zayn looked up, confused and feeling vulnerable. He never told Liam he dropped out.  


Liam's smile dropped when he noticed the change in atmosphere.  


“Sorry, I just- Louis told me and- it's none of my business. Sorry, I'm sorry.”  


“We broke up.” Zayn said, he blurted it out like it was clawing away at his lips and as soon as he let it go, it set his heart in flames.  


Liam paused and furrowed his brows.  


“Sorry?”  


“The a- I came with a guy-”  


“Yeah, I remember.” Liam said encouraging Zayn to continue.  


“He- we broke up so- the reason I came was him, when we- there wasn't really a point anymore. I did it for him and- yeah.”  


Zayn's leg was bouncing violently under the table. He swallowed the words, the truth, that came bubbling in his throat with half his coffee in one quick gulp, drowning the rest of the story in his stomach where is sat and churned and made him sick.  


He didn't lie to Liam, he didn't think he could bring himself to if he wanted to, but he couldn't help but feel guilty making it seem so easy, making it seem like he gave up his heart along with his wit.  


Liam didn't respond for what seemed like decades and Zayn used the time to settle the rising panic in his chest. He had more control, with the absence of alcohol and the sharp bite of caffeine. He kept reminding himself, you're awake, this is real. And, eventually, he could hear the hum off the fan and the faint beeping of an oven and not his heart pounding white noise deafeningly in his ears.  


“That's-” Liam began and Zayn's heart went numb. “I'm not quite sure what to say to that honestly.” Liam laughed dryly and Zayn breathed again.  


“It's okay, I just- not a lot of people know that's why I dropped out. They think- I'm not a quitter, yeah? I work hard but college was never for me, last year just confirmed that so-”  


“You're incredible.” Liam said in the same breath as a sigh.  


Zayn just looked at him.  


“Sorry, I mean, you are but what I mean-” Liam took a breath. “I wish I had the guts to drop out.” He confessed. “I hate university, I hated high school. I just wanted to play footie and now I don't even like that because it's not a choice you know? Like, I still love the sport but it's a chore now. I'm not doing it 'cause I love it, I _have __to do it 'cause it's the only way I can keep the scholarship and God knows I can't actually afford Uni, but my parents- It was never a question whether I _wanted __to go, it was always _when __you go.  
___

“What you did- I could never do that.” Liam continued “You're brave, Zayn.”  


“I never- nobody's ever put it like that.” Zayn whispered without meaning to it was just that his voice wouldn't cooperate after he swallowed it down with the rest of his coffee.  


“What do I need to do to get to know you better?”  


“I-” It was forward, unexpected and Zayn didn't know how to respond but that feeling, that horrible, beautiful, painfully wonderful _something_ made you do stupid things and say stupid things. “Just ask I s'pose.”

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“And!?”  


“And?”  


“And then what?” Niall asked.  


“And then we fucked in the storage room.” Zayn threw his hands up. “That's it, then we talked a bit more about who-knows-what and then he had to get back to work.”  


“Wait? So was this a date or what?” Niall asked scooting his arms up on the counter.  


“I don't know, I mean- I don't know. He didn't really- I didn't exactly ask.”  


“Honey! I'm Ho-ome!”  


Louis bounced into the kitchen and Zayn had half a mind to sneak into his room while Niall was distracted.  


“What r'ya doin' back so early?” Niall asked sliding off the stool and whacking Louis' hand away from a plate of cookies. “And those are not for you.”  


“I just got amazing news,” Louis said snatching a cookie, “And I don't care.”  


“Is this 'amazing news' why you're so obnoxious today.”  


“I am not being obnoxious, I am happy because Sam Duncan had hip surgery. He won't be playing footie next year and you know what that means?”  


“We just lost our best shooter?” Niall asked.  


“No, well yeah but, they are putting me in! They have no choice to put me in! I'm like, the only other decent shooter on the team!” Louis exclaimed. “Let's celebrate!”  


Two hours later, it was five in the afternoon and Louis was already wasted, Niall was not far behind and Zayn was just really hoping the three shots he took would help him write _something __.  
_

It didn't.  


It did, however, make everything hilarious.  


Niall and Louis had somehow ended up on the floor attempting to pin each other down and only succeeding in knocking over the same lamp several times.  


In those hours, Zayn felt a certain freedom he couldn't place, an oddly liberating feeling. He had forgotten anything that wasn't within those hours except he knew every memory he abandoned in his alcoholic stupor would come flooding back in the morning.  


Louis, feeling generous, decided poor Zayn being left out of the fun just would not do and that his current wrestling partner was becoming much too tired for his liking and so he grabbed the ankle that hung off the couch and tugged Zayn to the floor.  


Zayn, who had been laughing at nearly anything and everything, let out a surprised yelp as he was tugged to the floor and pulled under Louis and suddenly he wasn't in his small little flat, but a cloudy dorm-room that smelled like weed and paint, suddenly, he was pressed to the splintering floorboards, suddenly, Zayn remembered every last thing he knew about his life.  


He couldn't breath.  


Zayn was suffocating as nonexistent hands wrapped around his throat, the room turned to muffled sound and blended color and Zayn was stuck in the foggy middle between past and present, drunk and sober, dead and alive.  


He writhed under Louis who was straddling his stomach and tried to tug his hands free but they were pinned to the carpet by Louis' fists. He gasped for air, he was drowning in it, but his lunges were shackled.  


Everything happened in a moment and then Louis was gone but it was too late, Zayn was too far gone to come back and there was nothing they could do. Zayn was stuck in a dorm-room on the third floor, curled into himself, too scared to sleep, too tired to cry and wondering why each bruising hit was _“Because I love you.” ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why [These are the Memories in Which We Fade?](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com/post/141854279944/a-method-to-my-madness)  
> do not click[here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zaithiest) :)  
> (seriously, don't do it)


	5. These are the Memories in Which We Fade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Part Two)

Zayn felt like a little kid as he stood in the hall near the kitchen listening to Louis' and Niall's violent whispering. 

“I didn't know, I was drunk, I wasn't making the best decisions and we were having a good time, I just thought I'd be- I thought I was being nice, inclusive, ya know? I didn't know he would freak out like that!” Louis was obviously hungover, with the way his raspy hush scrapped his throat. 

“Take a look at 'im Lou. Does he look like the kind of person who would enjoy being thrown to the floor?” Niall's whisper was much softer but just as agitated as Louis'. 

“Fair enough. But, like I said, I was drunk, I wasn't thinking!” 

“Clearly!” 

Zayn didn't stick around for much more, coffee wasn't worth stepping into a mine field for. 

There was little Zayn could do to stay awake without his coffee and maybe that's why it had been two full days since Zayn had left his room, let alone his bed. Niall had brought him coffee at one point but he didn't drink it. His tongue was still tainted with blood and tears, everything was raw and acidic and it wasn't the first time Zayn prayed for insomnia just so he could stop screaming. 

It was late the second night when Niall opened his door just a crack to poke his head in. 

“Louis invited Harry over.” He spoke softly, almost as if to apologize. There was a creak in the floor and Zayn thought for a moment Niall had left. “Liam's here too.” 

And then the door closed and Zayn was left with a decision. 

It took him near half an hour to make it out of bed, to work the pins and needles out of his feet and hands and to remember how to breath before putting on decent looking clothes and running a comb through his hair and stepping out into the hall. 

By the time he made it to the kitchen, his throat had thawed and his ears weren't ringing. 

“Is that normal? Two days?” 

“It depends.” 

“So what happened exact-” 

“Zayn!” Liam said excitedly looking up at the boy in the door frame. 

Niall just stared like Zayn was a ghost, Zayn didn't blame him either. Just moments ago he was dead to the world and now there he was, alive and well. For the most part. 

“Didn't know you where coming over.” Zayn asked slowly, testing his voice, waiting for his throat to collapse again. 

“Didn't want to wake you.” Liam said and Zayn was more than grateful that he was talking and not staring at him like Niall and Louis. 

“Zayn's birthday is coming up.” Niall spoke so suddenly Zayn thought the Irish lad even scared himself. 

“Is it? When?” Liam asked looking at Zayn instead of Niall. 

“Um, the twelfth.” Zayn said pulling a mug from the cabinet. 

“That's in, like-” 

“A week, Thursday to be exact.” Niall jumped in before sitting back, taking a sip from his beer and watching Zayn carefully. 

“We should celebrate!” Liam offered quickly and Zayn knew exactly why Niall had brought it up. 

“It's a Thursday, you all have class the next day and-” 

“Since when has class stopped us from having a party? And it's your birthday, it only comes once a year mate.” Louis said with a nod. 

“Good that.” Niall seconded. 

“It won't be any fun on a Thursday, it's never any fun on weekdays.” Zayn tried desperately. 

“Friday then.” Liam said and some part of Zayn wish he had stayed in his room. 

“Friday's good.” 

“Friday it is.” 

Zayn just looked at his friends and almost laughed. 

“Friday.” He said and smiled, shook his head and turned to finish making his coffee.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“Why did you do that?” 

“Do what?” 

Niall was slouched on the couch with a textbook on one leg and a notepad on the other and about three words written in sloppy handwriting at the top and a thousand unimportant sentences highlighted in orange Sharpie. 

“Tell everyone my birthday was coming up. You knew they were going to want to go out.” Zayn said. 

He had sat down with the intention to write but his head carried him off to the other night, the night when everything turned upside-down and his face reached just above the water for once. The night when Niall had decided it was a great idea to invite everybody to Zayn's birthday party which had been previously nonexistent. 

“Yeah, so. What's wrong with going out on your birthday for a change?” 

“You suck you know that?” 

Niall laughed. 

“I think the word you're looking for is 'rock'.” 

Zayn shoved a pillow at him which Niall easy batted away before the door opened quite loudly. 

“Lou's home.” Zayn said and tucked himself back into his corner of the couch to once again stare at his glowing white screen. 

After a couple minutes, Niall disappeared into the kitchen where he and Louis bantered about dinner. After an hour, the bickering was quiet and Zayn wasn't any better off. And, by the time Louis and Niall agreed on dinner, Zayn was already in bed with half a mug of coffee and a finger dancing over the contact in his phone labeled 'Liam' before chucking it to the end of the bed and pretending the whispers scratching at the back of his skull weren't there. 

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“See this is fun right?” Niall encouraged though Zayn didn't hear him, all he heard was his own thumping heart and the bass of a song he wasn't too fond of. “Right?” Niall asked louder and Zayn turned his head to him eyes glazed over before realizing it was a question. 

“Yeah, no yeah this is fun. When did you say they were getting here?” 

Niall rolled his eyes but smiled. 

“You need a drink.” He insisted and slipped off into the crowd to find the bar before Zayn could stop him. 

Zayn picked at the peeling faux leather booth and glanced around the crowded club, smiling curtly when he made eye contact with a stranger standing near the dance floor, and chewed on the ends of his nails when the song changed. 

“Fancy a dance?” 

Zayn looked up to see the stranger from the dance floor standing in front of him. 

“Don't dance.” Zayn said in a sorry way. 

“A drink then?” 

“My friend's getting one right now actually.” 

The man chuckled lowly. 

“Hard to get are we?” 

“Flattered, really, just not interested.” 

“Not even in one dance?” 

“I told you, I don't-” 

“Alright lads?” 

Zayn nearly broke his neck looking behind him where Liam was walking towards him followed by Harry and Louis. Zayn was starring at him, but Liam only kept his eyes on the stranger as he got closer. 

The stranger Just laughed and shook his head. 

“Yeah, alright.” 

Liam smiled. 

“Good.” 

And the stranger left. 

“Thanks.” Zayn said standing up. 

“No problem, happy birthday.” Liam said pulling Zayn in, surprisingly, for a hug. 

“Oi, don't suppose you want to stand there all night?” Louis pressed. 

“Leave 'em be Lou.” Harry said elbowing Louis in the side. 

But they pulled apart anyway and Zayn turned to Harry and Louis who said their “Happy Birthday”s and gave him a hug as well just as Niall came back. 

“Should've got more. Did you lads just get here then?” He asked setting two drinks on the table. 

“We would have been here earlier if someone could decide what to wear.” Liam said Glaring teasingly at Louis who scoffed. 

“I couldn't find anythin' that made my arse look good.” Louis countered and Zayn swore he saw Harry lean over and whisper, “You arse always looks good.” 

Maybe the night wouldn't be as long as Zayn thought.

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Six rounds later, they were sloshed. Well, except for Zayn who was still nursing his third drink and Liam who only had coke with lemon the whole night through. 

“Oh c'mon Hazza, I wanna dance. Look how goddamn good my arse looks in these pants! C'mon” Louis was begging, pulling on a giggling Harry's arm like a little kid in a candy shop. 

“It's not your birthday Lou, what about Zayn? Hmm, can't just leave 'im here.” Harry said giggling the whole way through. 

Louis looked to Zayn. 

“You want to dance with us, Zaynie?” 

Zayn just laughed and said, “Your plastered, Lou.” 

“So? Someone's gotta drink for Liam over here.” 

Liam's smile wavered and he curled his fingers around his glass. Harry watched soberly and tugged Louis with him out of the booth. 

“C'mon, Lou, let's dance then.” He ushered looking back once before disappearing into the crowd. 

“Sorry.” Liam spoke after a moment looking down at his sad drink. 

“For?” 

“Being a buzz-kill, didn't mean to be a prude and everything-” 

“Don't have to drink if you don't wan to.” Zayn assured and then added, “Plus, I don't think I'd be able to handle another Louis.” 

They both laughed and Zayn tipped back the rest of his drink. 

“I've only got one kidney.” Liam said suddenly and Zayn raised a brow. “Just the way I was born.” Liam explained. “Healthy as a badger just can't drink shouldn't smoke, things like that.” 

“Gotcha.” 

“I'm not a prude.” 

“Liam.” Zayn smiled and there was a fondness in it, a familiar feeling. “It's cool, I get it.” 

Liam, as if realizing something just then, laughed into his lap and looked back up at Zayn. 

“So what about you? Fancy a dance?” He asked. 

“Oh,” Zayn said between a laugh and a scoff, “No, I can't dance.” 

Liam leaned back in the booth and smirked. 

“Mhmm, of course you can't.” He muttered looking off into the crowd. 

“What's that suppose to mean?” 

“I think you're holding back, Malik.” 

“Holding- what are you on about?” 

“No it's fine, don't show me your sick dance moves, whatever.” 

“I think your projecting.” Zayn caught on and went with it. 

“I-” Zayn's playfulness caught Liam off guard and he stuttered for a moment before saying, “I'll have you know, I am notorious for my dancin'” 

“I'd like to see you try.” 

And maybe that wasn't the best comeback because before Zayn could finish his drink he was being pulled from the booth and onto the dance floor by Liam. Half laughing, half stumbling, Zayn felt something he hadn't felt in a long time. He was excited, heart thumping, mind racing, fearless. 

Until his hand slipped from Liam's.

-:-:-:-:-

“I should have never-” Liam pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I should have never dragged you out there, I should have-” 

“Liam, Liam.” Zayn interrupted, “It's okay, I'm okay.” 

But he wasn't. He sat in the back of the cab leg shaking and teeth peeling away the skin of his lip. He was so close to losing it but somehow he didn't, somehow he was sort of okay. 

“But I brought you into that, it would have never happened if-” 

“You did bring me into that, and your right, if we stayed in the booth it would have never happened, but, Liam,” Zayn scooted as close to Liam as he could in the small cab. “You got us out of that, you got me out of that and that guy he didn't-” Zayn found his control start slipping and his breath leave with it. “He didn't stand a chance.” Zayn whispered in gasps and Liam saw, saw his control was slipping and held on to it for him. 

“I'm never going to let them hurt you.” He whispered looking to Zayn who held on to his sanity with both hands. “I'm never going to let anything bad happen to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why [These are the Memories in which we fade?](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com/post/141854279944/a-method-to-my-madness)  
> So Zigi broke up..... time to talk to [Lauren](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zaithiest) about it


	6. Caffeinated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> His new life became the prick of a needle; sharp, focused, piercing. He never blurred away in dream or lost sight of reality because he remembered what happened when he didn't pay attention, when he lost focus, when tea became coffee and love became pain.

“Well we can't just leave him here.” Louis said looking at Liam who lay shivering and shaking on the sofa. Then he thought a moment, stopped himself and turned to Harry. “Can we?” 

“No, Louis!” Harry scolded gesturing to Liam. “Look at him, he's barely breathing. We can't just leave him here alone.” 

“Well we can't just skip classes either.” 

“Since when have you cared about class?” 

“Since I nearly got kicked out.” 

Both boys stood there, arms crossed brows furrowed. 

“Then what do you suggest?” 

“Let's just get someone who doesn't take classes to watch him.” 

“And who do we know that- oh.” Harry smiled. “You're brilliant Lou!” 

“We can shag about it later, let's go.” 

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“You want me to what?” 

“Just watch him. Make sure he eats, drinks, doesn't die- stuff like that.” 

Zayn just looked at Louis. He opened his mouth but found nothing to say and so he scratched his beard and thought about it. 

“Is he okay?” He asked finally, the biting question since Louis had told him what was wrong. 

Because, truth was, Zayn would run to Liam in a heartbeat to help him but he never saw himself as a savior, he was always the one being saved. It was out of character, concerning to say the least. What if something happened while Zayn was there? How would he know what to do? And what if it just set him off in another panic attack? He would be utterly useless. 

But Louis sighed and said, “He's been better.” And it didn't seem as monstrous a deal as Zayn made it out to be. “Harry says it'll pass soon enough but he needs someone there for him. He needs you there, Zayn.” 

“And you think I'm fit for it?” 

“Well,” Louis shrugged. “Are you?”

-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“And if something happens or you need anything just call me, yeah?” Harry said and it all seemed overwhelming again. 

Now he could actually see Liam, sweating but shivering and curled up on himself on the sofa since that's were he fell asleep the night before and was too weak now to move. He could see the furrow in his brow and the quiver in his lip and, now that he was there, Zayn felt overwhelmed. 

“You sound like a worried mum, Hazza, let's go. Zayn'll do fine, Liam'll be fine, we however are already late.” Louis said tugging Harry out the door of the flat. 

“Just- call me!” Harry shouted just before the door shut and Zayn was left with the guilt that it had been nearly a week and a half since he'd spoken to Liam. 

“I'll just, um.” Zayn started, speaking like Liam could hear him. “I'll just be reading my book then.” 

And he did. He sat curled up in the red chair in front of the wall of windows reading chapter after chapter only pausing to reply to Harry's worried texts and to watch the flakes of snow melt as they touched the cheeks of the buildings and the palm of the road. 

He read past lunch and he read past when the snow stopped and he probably would have kept reading if his phone hadn't started ringing. 

“Lou?” 

“Hey, how is he?” 

Zayn looked to the couch where Liam slept, chest moving in slow motion, arms wrapped around his chest. 

“Sleeping.” 

“Good. I mean- whatever, I want to hang out with Harry so if he calls-” 

“He's been texting me all day.” 

“Well tell him you've got it under control.” 

“I do.” 

“Well even if you don't. I just-” Louis paused and Zayn heard him sigh. “I kinda want to take him on a date. Like, a proper one, without Liam tagging along and- not that I don't love Liam! But-” 

“Lou.” Zayn laughed quietly trying not to wake Liam. “I get it. I've got it sorted, yeah? Go have fun.” 

Louis let out a sigh of relief. 

“Thanks” He said. 

“Don't mention it. Just please don't shag on my bed.” Zayn added and Louis laughed. 

“We were thinking about the kitchen next anyway.” 

“No! Louis, definitely not! Louis?” But Louis had hung up and Zayn shook his head but couldn't help but laugh. 

“Zayn?” 

Zayn looked up at the sound of his name, suddenly serious as Liam pushed himself into sitting position on the couch. 

“Hey.” Zayn said closing his book and carrying it to the sofa. “How're you feeling?” 

“Like I'm going to be sick.” Liam said pressing his hand into his head and looking up when Zayn flinched. “I'm not.” He added with a smile. “But I've definitely been better.” 

“Do you need anything?” 

“I'm alright I just want to get to my bed.” Liam said pushing himself off the sofa and wobbling a bit before Zayn could catch him and steady him. “Just dizzy.” Liam brushed it off squeezing his eyes shut for a second before making his way across the flat closely followed by Zayn. 

“Because you haven't eaten.” Zayn explained but Liam flopped onto his bed with no intention of going anywhere but. 

“Nor would I like to. Food sounds repulsive right about now.” He said tugging the covers over him. 

“You should probably eat something.” 

“What are you reading there?” Liam asked ignoring Zayn's question and instead looking at the boy's book. 

“It's-” Zayn started but shook his head. “It's not important. I'm serious Liam, you should eat. Would you like soup or-” 

“I'd like to sleep.” Liam smiled looking at Zayn in this fond way that had the dark haired lad shutting his mouth and sitting down at the edge of the mattress, book in his lap, with a sigh. “Do you like it?” Liam asked referring to the book. 

“It's brilliant really. Have you ever read anything by George Orwell?” 

“Do I look like the kind of guy who would say yes?” 

Zayn smiled, almost laughed. 

“Well, either way, he's an amazing writer.” 

“What's it about?” 

“It's kind of like- have you ever read Fahrenheit 451?” Zayn asked and Liam shook his head. “Right, um, well it's um.” Zayn bit his bottom lip and thought for a moment. “So there's this guy, Winston, and he works for the government. Basically, his job is to rewrite history, to make these people in charge look good and whatever, but he starts writing this journal about how he wants things to be different. And when he meets this girl they start talking about rebelling since they can't be together because of these guys in charge. They end up going into hiding but eventually they get caught. And that's as far as I've gotten but the amazing part is he wrote it in 1947 and the stuff he talks about, like, this guy was way ahead of his time. And the things he writes-” Zayn looked at Liam who was smiling like he was laughing and so Zayn shook his head and sighed. “I'm rambling. I'll shut up.” 

“No. No, keep going, keep talking. I like your- your voice is soothing.” Liam asked and Zayn looked at him sideways. “Sorry, that sounded stupid out of my mind-” 

“'S'not stupid. I'll keep going if you want.” Zayn said and then paused. “Anything else you would like me to talk about?” 

“You could read me something.” Liam offered sleepily, eyes shut and face tucked into the pillow. 

“Like a bedtime story?” Zayn chuckled softly and Liam shoved his arm weakly. 

“Don't laugh at me.” Liam stated though he was smiling too. “Fine then.” He huffed tucking his arm back into himself. “Don't read. I'll just suffer in silence.” 

“Liam, Liam-” Zayn laughed poking Liam's side. “I'll read.” He said and opened his book but Liam scrunched his eyebrows and batted it away with a lazy hand. Zayn looked at him half smiling half confused. “How do you suppose I read if you keep batting away my book?” 

“Not that.” Liam protested. “I don't care for George Owl-” 

“Orwell.” 

“Whatever. I want you to read me something you wrote.” 

And everything was still. Nothing moved, nothing made a sound, nothing happened until Zayn's breath, which had fallen to his stomach with his laughter, crawled back into his lungs. 

“I haven't really wrote in a while.” Zayn said finally, hollowly. 

“I meant from when you were younger, what you wrote before. Do you still remember any of them?” Liam asked. “Your stories I mean.” 

“Yeah, I do. They're just- they're shit really.” 

Liam smiled and closed his eyes again. 

“Perfect.” 

"Liam-" Zayn tried again but he was already asleep and Zayn had to hold his book harder in order to brush a stray strand of hair from Liam's flushed cheek.

Instead Zayn crawled carefully over to the other side of the bed and sat up against the pillows and read. 

He read through his phone buzzing across the room and the sun falling out of the sky long after Liam fell asleep and he would have kept reading had Harry not stumbled wide-eyed and rushed through the door. 

“You're okay.” Harry stated. 

“Yeah, we're- we're fine.” Zayn confirmed getting off of Liam's bed and looking confusedly towards Harry. “Isn't that a good thing?” 

“I just- I thought-” Harry was still shocked, perplexed and out of breath. 

His coat and scarf were dusted with melting snow flakes that had started up again at nightfall. His nose and cheeks were pink and the tips of his ears were tucked into his hat along with his curls. He looked at Liam whose sweaty hair stuck to his forehead and was snoring softly on his bed but was nonetheless safe and well, for the most part, and then to Zayn who was still rather confused about Harry's urgent concern. 

“You didn't answer my texts so I called and then you didn't answer, twice you didn't answer so...” 

And then it made sense. Zayn relaxed and set his book down on the counter and combed his fingers through his hair because it all made sense, even as Louis halfway fell through the open door, out of breath and gasping. 

“See.” Louis panted, one hand on his knee the other gesturing to Liam. “I told you they'd be fine.” 

“He's okay?” Harry asked and Zayn nodded. 

“Yeah, I made sure there's water and aspirin by his bed for when he wakes up and he'll be starved when he's feeling better but, yeah, he's okay.” 

The three stood still, brows furrowed, chests heaving and eyes focused on the sleeping boy across the room. And then Harry walked with long strides to Zayn and wrapped him in hug and, for a moment, Zayn thought Harry was crying. 

“Thank you.” Harry said softly and Zayn realized he wasn't crying, he was happy. 

And, though he was more confused than anything, Zayn hugged back just as tight. 

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

“And you never shagged? Not once?” 

Zayn just gave Niall a disbelieving look. 

“He was sick.” 

Niall shrugged. 

“So? People shag all the time when their sick.” 

“He was sleeping.” 

“I'm sure he wouldn't have been sleeping if he was having sex.” 

“Niall!” 

“What!?” 

Zayn starred at his best friend but took another sip of his water instead of explaining what was clearly wrong with everything he just said. 

“Alright lads?” 

“Hey.” Niall greeted Louis who walked into the kitchen shrugging on his coat. “Where're you goin'?” 

“I” Louis said grabbing his wallet off the counter and stuffing it in his pocket. “am going on a date since someone-” He glared at Zayn. “ruined my last one.” 

“I apologized like seven times already.” Zayn defended. 

“Three, Malik, you apologized three times.” 

“A tenner works great too.” Niall butted in but Zayn shot him a look. 

“I like where this kid's head is at.” Louis said pointing at the blonde who winked back at Zayn. “See you tossers later.” Louis said before heading into the hall and shutting the door behind him. 

“So they shag once and decide they should get to know each other better before they do it again.” Niall thought out loud. “Whose idea do think that was?” 

“Harry's” Zayn said easily and Niall nodded in agreement. 

“Definitely Harry's” 

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Zayn woke up with a headache which his usual icy shower worsened. It was the kind of headache he got when his head wouldn't quiet down and his fingers itched but his ears rang too loudly to hear anything yet everything thing seemed too loud. It was the kind that sent his stomach in circles and dried his mouth to dust and there was nothing he could do but swallow down some pills and wait it out. 

Which would have been a lot less painful if Louis didn't insist on listening to the telly at obnoxious volumes. 

So Zayn laid until he couldn't even pretend to stand it and trekked from his bed all the way to the sofa. 

“Could you turn it down?” Zayn asked but Louis must not have heard him over the chatter of the show he was currently watching. “Louis.” Zayn said a little louder, throat crackling from not being used. 

Louis heard him and turned to look over the back of the sofa with a quizzical look on his face. 

“Could you lower the volume a bit.” Zayn suddenly felt hot and red and too far away. 

“Yeah, sure mate.” Louis said picking up the remote and dialed down the sound but looked back at Zayn with the same questioning face. “You alright?” 

“Yeah just uh-” 

“You ill?” 

“What?” 

“Are you not feeling well? Do you think your sick?” Louis asked and Zayn was a little thrown off at his concern. 

“No. S'just my head.” He explained but Louis didn't seem to believe him. 

“You sure? 'Cause you did spend that day with Liam when he was sick. He might've passed something on to you.” 

“I don't think so. Thanks for your concern but I'm just going to go back to bed.” Zayn said and that he did, though he never slept a wink. 

He put hot cloths on his head, swallowed more pills and squeezed his eyes shut until Niall came home and poked his head in the door. 

“Lou told me you were sick.” He said sitting down next to Zayn and pressing his palm against his forehead. 

“He thinks it's because I was watching Liam the other day. It's just a headache, I'll be fine.” 

“Is this one of your, you know” Niall asked to which Zayn shot him a look. “Had to ask.” Niall shrugged. “You don't feel like you have a fever. Did you eat anything?” Zayn gagged at the thought. “I'll take that as a no. C'mon, you should try to eat something.” Niall said getting off the bed but Zayn only groaned. “You gotta at least try Zayn.” But Zayn didn't move and Niall sighed. “Fine but take a shower, Liam and Harry are coming over later and you smell like you've been laying in bed all day.” 

“I have.” 

“Just look presentable yeah? Liam'll be there, remember?” 

Zayn put his face in the pillow until Niall left and when he heard his door shut he shoved off the covers and tore off his clothes and stomped into the shower. Because if Niall was going to make Zayn look presentable and smell like a grown ass man then fine, Zayn was going to look presentable and smell like a grown ass man but he was going to mope about it the whole time. 

Eventually, the scent of mint hair wash was too much and Zayn got out and got dressed and moped his way to the kitchen to swallow more pills. 

Louis was leaning on the counter, sipping something from a glass and watching Zayn the whole time. 

“Take a picture.” Zayn finally muttered throwing his head back with two orange pills and swallowing some water after. 

“Do you smoke?” Louis asked taking another sip from his glass. 

“Do you?” Zayn shot back but Louis just rolled his eyes. 

“Well.” 

“Haven't for years.” Zayn answered but looked skeptically at Louis. “What about it?” 

“Do you have a fever?” 

“No.” 

“Have you been sick? Are you aching anywhere?” 

“What is this? 21 questions? I'm a single male, live with two other guys and prefer if we shag at your place, my roommates are rather chatty. Anythin' else?” Zayn responded sarcastic. 

“Sorry, sassy spice is already taken.” Louis shot back but still had a err of concern in his voice. 

It didn't take long after for Niall to venture back into the kitchen or for Harry and Liam to show up and finally Louis laid off and Zayn's mood lightened a bit. 

“Hey, feeling better then?” Zayn asked Liam who looked tired but better still. 

“Much.” Liam nodded and added. “Thanks for everything, by the way. Harry just about loses his mind every time I come down with so much as a runny nose so he deserved to not watch me sleep all day for once.” 

“I didn't do it for Harry, I did it for you.” Zayn said before realizing how it sounded and jumping to take it back. “I mean- like, I'm glad Harry got to go to class I just meant- because you were sick so- nothing against Harry-” 

“I knew what you meant, thank you.” Liam butted in nudging Zayn shoulder with his and Zayn relaxed. 

“I'm just glad you're feeling better.” 

“That's just because he passed it on to you.” Niall laughed and Zayn knew it was just a laugh but he really wished Niall hadn't said anything. 

“You're sick?” Liam asked suddenly serious and they all looked at him with the same concerned face he had seen all day and he wanted to scream. 

“I'm fine, 's just a headache.” Zayn tried but they didn't stop and it was suffocating. 

“But doesn't he look flushed Li?” Louis asked. 

“Yeah.” Liam muttered as if he were thinking something hard. “Have you thrown up?” 

“I already asked him that.” 

“Do you have a fever?” 

“Asked him that too. I also asked him if he was aching, he said no.” 

“You don't smoke do you?” 

“He doesn't.” 

“What does smoking have to do with it?” Zayn asked clearly irritated. 

“'Cause it looks a lot like withdrawal.” Liam explained and everything felt suffocating. 

“That's what I was thinking!” Louis said excited and then deflated again. “But Liam, he doesn't do anything. I mean, he's probably never even saw drugs before and he rarely drinks. In fact, all he really drinks is his blasted coffees twenty-four seven.” 

“When was the last time you had coffee?” Liam asked turning back to Zayn who pinched his eyes where his headache sat and thought, which was a lot easier said than done. 

“Umm, probably the day before I went to your flat.” Zayn shrugged. “It had to have been because I didn't have any before I left or when I was at you place and I didn't have any the next day since my stomach hurt and I thought it probably wouldn't be the best idea to have something acidic.” 

“But you drink coffee every day?” Liam asked. 

“Usually, yeah.” 

“Like a shit ton.” Louis added but Zayn just glared. 

Liam sat back in his heel. 

“Bingo.” He stated. “We were right Lou.” 

“What? Coffee withdrawal? Is that a thing?” Louis asked and Liam nodded. 

“Caffeine withdrawal.” Liam said. “Nausea, headaches, feeling tired all the time.” He continued. “It's been two days which is usually when it peaks but it can last for a week, maybe a week and a half.” 

“So I just drink a cup of coffee and feel normal again.” 

“It depends.” 

“Depends on what, whether I'd like to feel like shit or not?” 

“Depends on if you want to take this as an opportunity to cut back. I mean, caffeine isn't great for you all the time.” 

“You guys, it's coffee. I'm not a druggie or some alcoholic who doesn't know when to stop. This was a get together, not an intervention." Zayn said stepping back. 

"We're just trying to help." Liam said softly as if he knew where Zayn was headed, as if he was trying to delay inevitability. 

"No, this isn't helping this is fixing. I don't need fixing. I'm not Louis.” 

Zayn didn't know what happened after that. 

He left and he didn't know where he went but he ended up at a cafe practically begging for a cup of coffee that came out watery and only lukewarm but it was something. Except Zayn sat there for a while starring at the plastic lid where his name was spelled incorrectly with black sharpie because while it was an answer to his problem, he couldn't help but think that maybe it was the cause of some too. 

It wasn't a particularly long habit of his. It started where his old life ended, when he thought coping wasn't sleeping, when he got sick of his dreams and alternate realities. He use to have it like his tea, milk and sugar turning it a caramel color, but then he grew sick of sweet things and soft things and craved sharp, bitter, black things. 

His new life became the prick of a needle; sharp, focused, piercing. He never blurred away in dream or lost sight of reality because he remembered what happened when he didn't pay attention, when he lost focus, when tea became coffee and love became pain. 

He wasn't addicted to coffee or caffeine, he was simply terrified to live without it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was... yeah....
> 
> but if you want some more, check out the[deleted scene](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com/post/146088552144/love-and-its-fatalities-deleted-scene) ;)
> 
> Plus find out why its called [Caffeinated](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com/post/141854279944/a-method-to-my-madness)  
>    
> and feel free to bother me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zaithiest)


	7. Newton's 3rd law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It's a tryout, not a game. There aren't winners there's good players and great players. The great ones make the team and the good ones warm the bench.” Louis said before taking a sip of his tea.  
> “And the bad ones?” Zayn asked out of sleepy curiosity.  
> “The bad ones stay in the stands and cheer like they know what's going on.”

It was two cups of crappy coffee before Zayn could think straight, three to make his headache disappear, four to realize he was hungry and five to find his way home. It didn't take anything, however, to feel the amount of guilt he felt when he walked through the door of his flat to find Liam and Harry passed out on the sofa and Niall sat wide awake in the chair. Louis wasn't there. 

“You're a twat-faced piece of shit doin' me a fuckin' nut in like that.” Niall whispered albeit harshly marching up to Zayn, who didn't really understand a word, before hugging him so tight he could hardly breath. “You had me worried sick.” 

“I'm sorry.” Zayn whispered tucking his chin onto Niall's shoulder. “I'm really sorry Ni, I don't know-” 

“I'm just glad you're safe you wanker.” Niall laughed quietly. “Besides, it's not me you should be apologizing to.” He said pulling away. “What you did to Louis-” 

“I know.” 

“It wasn't fair to him.” 

“I know.” 

Niall nodded, stepped back and yawned. 

“I am going to pass out, let them know they can stay for breakfast. Doubt they'd be wantin' to go to classes anyhow.” 

Zayn watched Niall disappear into his bedroom before wandering slowly to the sofa. Harry nearly jumped up which woke Liam who turned to see Zayn and they both ended up rolling right on to the floor. 

“Where have you been?” Liam asked and Harry just kind of stared. 

“I'm sorry.” Was all Zayn could muster now that he was subdued with the sobering effects of caffeine. 

Liam's shoulders fell and he moved like he was going to touch but he never did and instead he told Zayn Louis was in his room. 

Zayn nodded and gave Harry a meek smile before heading down the hall and gently pushing open the door to Louis's room. 

“Lou-” 

“I'm assuming Niall already cussed you out so I'll skip the formalities.” Louis said not bothering to turn his attention from where he was mindlessly sorting things on his desk. 

“I was an-” 

“Irritability is one of the most common side affects of withdrawal. That's how I knew so quickly it wasn't one of your infamous mood swings. I was impressed, Malik. Sass isn't easy to master so quickly.” 

“What I said-” 

“Wasn't yours to say.” Louis stated clipped as he turned, finally to look at Zayn. And then he sighed. “But, it was true and I know what you were feeling which is why I forgive you.” 

“You shouldn't.” Zayn whispered impulsively, regretfully. 

“You're right, I shouldn't.” Louis said but held up a paper bill and waved it around. “But tenners do wonders.” 

Zayn wondered then, had he known Louis while he was- had he known Louis before, would they still end up friends? Would he even have met Liam? Would he be stuck in a circle of getting better? Would he even have known it was possible to get better without living proof right in front of him? 

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- 

“I just wanted to apologize.” 

“You're fine babe, no worries, yeah?” 

Zayn sighed and rubbed his face because he didn't understand why no one was mad at him and a part of him wanted that guilt but no one was angry. No one blamed him and he couldn't understand, after who he hurt, why everyone was accepting his apologies so flippantly. 

“It was stupid, what I said and I would have never said it. I just wasn't- I wasn't-” Zayn searched for the right words to tell Liam how sorry he really was because Liam didn't understand. 

“You weren't yourself.” Liam said for him and Zayn could almost hear his smile through the phone and he hated that nobody hated him. 

So Zayn sighed and settled for “I'm sorry.” and cringed when Liam chuckled softly. 

“You've said that twice already, love. It's okay, nobody blames you.” 

And Zayn wanted to scream because he knew that. He knew it was wrong to feel such anticipation for anger, especially with the group of friends he had. But it had become habit and some habits he couldn't blame on the coffee. 

“Yeah, I just- I'll see you around then, Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 

Zayn tossed his phone onto his bed and part of him wished Niall and Louis didn't have classes because it was lonely in their little flat. Lonely and quiet, two qualities that Zayn use to crave as much as his morning coffee but then he began to enjoy when it wasn't cold the same time lonely began to feel harrowing. 

So he turned the T.V. volume up and sat with his laptop, in the middle of the sofa instead of the end because it made it feel less empty that way, deleting every sentence as soon as he typed it because the words he knew weren't enough to describe someone accurately. Even though he wasn't quiet sure who exactly he was trying to write. 

It ended the same either way. Cursor blinking teasingly at him on the stark white screen, not a sentence to show for his hours of sitting there and Zayn slapping down the top in frustration because he hated feeling that way. 

He knew he wasn't a footie star like Liam or a class clown like Niall. He knew he would never have a heart as big as Harry's and he knew he would never be the life of the party as much as Louis was. He knew words were all he had and he hated the feeling when even those slipped from his fingertips. 

No matter how hard he tried or how desperate he searched, not a word could describe the hollow emptiness he felt. Nothing could describe feeling nothing. 

And he missed it. Zayn missed being able to throw himself into a thousand different emotions in one hour with his fingers typing rapidly at the keys, writing what he was told by the characters he created. It beat being holed up in his tiny little room and it definitely beat being stuck with his mundane routine day in and day out. 

But then his life flipped and for a while mundane became a security blanket. Plain was thrilling and feeling nothing felt better than feeling anything. 

And then he met Liam and Zayn's fingers itched to write his face onto a screen and put his personality on paper. His heart fluttered at the name and his lips twitched at the feeling and there it was. Feeling. 

Just a slip of the heart, a step further outside his head and he was _feeling_. 

_Something_. 

And just like nothing, he couldn't describe it. 

So he pushed his laptop away and went into the kitchen to make a mug of Niall's off limits mint tea instead of coffee because he damn well _felt_ like it. 

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- 

Liam was being weird. And he knew Harry knew something was up because Harry always knew when something was up. Partially because Liam was so freaking obvious when something was bothering him but probably because Harry was just good at knowing things. 

And so it didn't really surprise either of them when Liam dropped his cuppa and Harry muted Gray's Anatomy with a sigh. 

“You wanna talk about it?” He said slowly like it was something he knew was futile. 

“Talk about what?” Liam asked heading back to get a towel and a broom and Harry rolled his eyes. 

“Whatever's been bugging you since you walked in that door.” 

“Nothing's bothering me, mate. Why? Do I look bothered? Because, dead honest, I'm not bothered at all.” Liam talked about as quick as he took the towel off the counter and cleaned up the mess of hot tea and porcelain but paused with a questioning look on his face. “Are you bothered?” 

“Liam-” Harry rubbed a palm over his face and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before sighing and sitting up. “What's it about?” 

Liam threw the mess in the bin, turned around and held his breath and decided it was best to rip of the band-aid in one go. 

“Well, you know how spring tryouts are coming up and most of the lads want to go out, like-” 

“And?” Harry pressed urging Liam to get to the point because it couldn't always be this hard to talk. And it wasn't all the time, not anymore, but Harry pushed because he knew Liam knew. 

Although Liam wasn't concerned with Harry's attempts at tough love healing, he was mauling over the fact that once you rip off a band-aid the skin there is still sticky and pale and so he covered it up. 

“Nothing, just wanted to know if you wanted to come with.” Liam shrugged easily because it wasn't the first time he lied to Harry and it put an unsettling feeling in his stomach to know how quick old habits resurface. 

“You know I don't like those team things. Too many egos.” Harry slipped nonchalantly but studied Liam a moment longer. 

Part of him wanted to press harder but his heart got the better of his head and told him to trust his friend because Liam had come a long way. 

Even as he pressed the un-mute button on the remote and turned his attention back to the telly, even as he saw Liam from the corner of his eye finish cleaning the kitchen, even as his heart told him to trust Liam, Harry's head screamed at him not to listen. 

-:-:-:-:-:- 

Forgetting takes a long time. And no matter how much Zayn thought his past was gone, it was there, in the back of his head waiting for a trigger to be reminded of. And Zayn never did pay attention to it when it sat there at the back of his head because healing was forgetting but forgetting takes a lifetime and Zayn only had one. 

So he tucked it away in the cracks of his skull and swallowed some aspirin when it pounded and screamed and left the remembering for his dreams. Though it was more haunting than healing when you spent your nights reliving your past and it was more damaging than helpful when your head blurred the lines between truth and fear and it was terrifying to go to sleep knowing you were reeking havoc on your mind. 

When Zayn woke up choking, it wasn't the first time. It was the first time, however, that he had seen a face that didn't belong in his dreams and he wondered how Liam got there. 

Zayn knew people's heads could do funny things but he thought he always understood his. 

Except he didn't dwell on it, he simply stood in icy water for an hour to help him forget because he read somewhere that pain helped you focus and focus made you forget the pain. 

So he let the dull ache in the back of his head remind him to reach for the orange juice because the sooner he forgot how much he loves coffee, the sooner he forgets to love coffee and the faster he can heal from it. 

So he made sure his tea was mint and there was always juice in the fridge for mornings when his first instinct was to reach for the cupboard. 

“You coming today?” 

Zayn turned to watch Louis stroll in with a yawn. 

“Where?” He asked putting the juice back in the fridge. 

Louis scoffed and looked offended but the lightness in his voice told Zayn he didn't take it personally. 

“Tryouts of course.” He explained pulling a mug from the cupboard and looking for his tea. “Look, I know you're doing this whole 'caffeine detox' but I personally am not and I need my tea to survive so I swear if you hide my Earl Gray one more time-” 

“Good morning lads, up for it Lou?” Niall asked buoyant as ever. “You're gonna win this thing, yeah? Well, you and Liam but two positions two winners. What'd'ya say?” 

“It's a tryout, not a game. There aren't winners there's good players and great players. The great ones make the team and the good ones warm the bench.” Louis said before taking a sip of his tea. 

“And the bad ones?” Zayn asked out of sleepy curiosity. 

“The bad ones stay in the stands and cheer like they know what's going on.” Louis said before turning with a cheeky smile to Niall. “Kind of like sweet little Nialler over here-” 

And then Niall was attacking Lou who was quick enough to set down his tea. 

They wrestled a bit in the kitchen while Zayn sipped his juice and wondered if there was a reason his friends were proper idiots. 

It just be boring otherwise. 

-:-:-:-:-:-:- 

“You'll do great.” Zayn reassured for what felt like the hundredth time and Liam just sort of looked at him with hopeful eyes that screamed 'please help, I want to believe you but I can't' and Zayn knew that feeling all too well. 

Yet there was a comical aspect to it. Built, fit Liam, best goalie their little university has ever seen, afraid he would botch the one thing he's good at. 

So Zayn smiled instead of laughed because he didn't want Liam to misunderstand and nudged him with his shoulder. 

“What'r you worried about anyway?” He asked and then nodded towards Louis who was standing in the goal leaping out of the way of Niall's ball. “I don't know much about Futbol but I'd say it's not rough competition.” 

Liam laughed and shrugged. 

“Nah, he's just not a goalie. He'll be a forward. Like a proper forward this time.” Liam turned to watch Lou shout something at Niall along the lines of 'don't kick the bloody thing at me face!' “Like, during the fall, he played in front, which really isn't a forward, but I reckon they'll give him center forward or even second forward if he does well. 

Zayn just sort of stared because he knew the forwards made the goals but he didn't know there were center forwards or second best forwards or whatever the hell a fake forward did but he didn't want to ask because this was normal uni stuff right? He should know the game by now. But he drank coffee and was never interested in footie so was he even British at all? 

Liam seemed to catch on though and he made it seem like not a big deal but Zayn was still freaking out a little in his head because everything was foreign and new. 

“So the second forward plays there.” He said pointing to a spot on the pitch. “He's usually the main scorer. And the center forward plays on the other side there. He scores quite a bit as well but there.” Liam pointed to a third spot. “The forward plays in front of the second forward to confuse the other team as to whose shooting so he doesn't really score much.” 

Zayn didn't bother looking to where Liam was pointing, it wasn't like he was going to need the information and he was too distracted by the excitement on Liam's face to look away. 

“He's a good shooter though, he shouldn't be there but everyone wants to be a striker-er forward, whatever and so it's not often a new guy gets picked but he will. He's- determined.” 

“Headstrong you mean?” Zayn added and they both laughed. 

“Yeah, that too.” 

“Payne!” Liam and Zayn turned to see a guy in a similar jersey as Liam's jog up. “We're getting' started, you ready?” 

“Yeah I was just- sorry, this is Zayn.” Liam introduced and the guy stretched his and out. 

“Tom.” He said shaking Zayn's hand. “You play?” 

“Oh, No, I'm just. Uh-” Zayn stuttered because it was a bad idea to come here, he wasn't ready to make small talk with strangers or remember all the words in the English language. 

“He's Niall's mate, they came to watch.” Liam said for him and Zayn could kiss him. 

Or maybe hug him or shake his hand or something because he didn't suppose he was ready for that either. 

“Brilliant, better do good then.” Tom said looking at Zayn whose heart was in his throat. “See you lads later then. It was lovey to meet you, Zayn.” 

And then Tom was gone and Zayn had to swallow twice to get his heart back in his chest. 

“Don't mind him, cheeky bastard.” Liam laughed but there was something hollow that caught Zayn's attention. “Alright?” 

“Yeah.” Zayn choked out and tore his eyes away from Liam. “Yeah, um- I'm going to find Niall, good luck.” And then Zayn was walking away to catch his breath and not throw up. 

-:-:-:-:-:-:- 

“That's brilliant Lou!” Liam said because it was, center forward was a great position and he knew Louis was right for it so it just made sense that he got it. 

The only thing was, Liam never got a call. Not an e-mail, no voice message or text. Nothing. And it had been two days. Two whole days and he hadn't heard a word. 

Which was dumb because he kinda knew he had it. Like, he was basically on contract but if he didn't- 

No footie meant no scholarship and he couldn't lose that scholarship. 

He couldn't lose that tryout. 

It wasn't his best, he'll admit though he wasn't going to blame it on Zayn begin there- out loud -it was just that he was a bit of a distraction. 

He would glance to check if Zayn was still watching and the next thing he knew a ball was whizzing past him into the net. And it didn't help that the ball 'accidentally' hit back of Tom's knee when he threw it in instead of going to Mathew who was wide open down field. 

Luckily he could play it off as not feeling well which then helped him get out of going out with some lads after. 

To which Tom said, “It's no bother, mate. Just let Zayn know if he ever wants to come with he's welcome to.” 

And Liam nodded with a smile but never actually said anything about it to Zayn. 

Point was, Liam hadn't heard anything from the coaches and when his mum called he had to tell her they were just a bit backed up with the schedule because Lord knows she would have driven all the way to tell the coach what a good player her son was and how he deserved a spot on the team. 

“Yeah, mate. See you Friday then? First practice.” Louis spoke and Liam nearly forgot he was still on the phone. 

“Yeah, see you.” 

Maybe. 

-:-:-:-:-:-:- 

They called. 

They called and Liam thought for a stupid second everything was fine, until he said, “Here's the thing-” 

So in the end Liam was sweating and shaking a little because one mistake, one goof up and he was done. 

“We know everyone gets nerves but you fell behind last season and we're giving you a second chance here. Don't make us regret it.” 

His fingers twitched and his throat burned and he had to stand there clenching his fists, breathing slow and count to ten like it was year twelve because it was just as hard as it always had been. 

But when Harry came home he knew, because Harry always knew. Partially because Liam was so freaking obvious about it, probably because Harry was just good at knowing things, but mostly because the moment Liam told Harry, he broke. 

Not into tears, not into hysteria or anger. He just broke and Harry knew. 

He just knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So those of you who follow me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zaithiest) already saw this but:  
> I know! The chapter’s late, I’m soorrrrryyyyy!  
> (But just a casual reminder: I update every other Friday not every Friday. It just works that way folks)
> 
> But besides that, you can visit my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zaithiest) to find art, music, deleted scenes, sneak peeks and why the heck this chapter is titled [Newton's third law](http://zaithiest.tumblr.com/post/141854279944/a-method-to-my-madness)


End file.
